Philosophy

John’s Story When John came home after two combat tours, he thought the hardest days were behind him. In the military, his life had been defined by trust and purpose. His unit felt like a family—one built on mutual reliance and shared goals. But civilian life felt like a different planet. Small talk at parties didn’t compare to the life-and-death bonds he’d formed with his comrades. Work seemed like a pointless grind. Even with family around, he felt completely alone. John started pulling back from the people who cared about him. He told himself, “They don’t get it. They can’t understand.” The disconnection grew, and so did his anger. The camaraderie and meaning he’d known in the military felt like something he’d never find again. John’s story is one I’ve seen many times, both as a combat veteran myself and as a psychologist who’s worked with veterans for over 15 years. It’s also deeply personal to me because I’ve lived that struggle, too. But this sense of alienation isn’t the end of the story—it’s the start of a new mission. The Roots of Alienation When you serve in the military, everything feels bigger than you. You’re part of something important, working shoulder-to-shoulder with people who’d lay down their lives for you. Those bonds aren’t just strong—they’re life-sustaining. But when you leave the military, that all disappears overnight. Civilian life feels fragmented. People seem more interested in their phones than in building real connections. Workplaces often reward competition over teamwork. And the depth of relationships? It’s just not the same. This is where so many veterans feel like they hit a wall. The world you return to doesn’t match the one you left behind. Many vets respond by withdrawing, becoming cynical to protect themselves from feeling let down. It’s a survival instinct, but it comes at a cost. That shield of cynicism can make it even harder to trust and connect with others, trapping you in a cycle of isolation¹. A Mismatch Between What Veterans Want and What They Get Here’s a staggering fact: 96% of veterans seeking treatment for PTSD say their main reason for getting help is to repair their relationships². Think about that for a moment. It’s not the flashbacks or nightmares that bring most vets to therapy—it’s the desire to reconnect with loved ones. They want to fix broken relationships, be better partners, and feel close to their kids again. That’s what matters most. But here’s the problem: what veterans want and what they get are often two very different things. Instead of getting help to rebuild those relationships, most veterans are offered treatments that focus on symptoms. You’re feeling disconnected from your spouse? Here’s a diagnosis of PTSD and a prescription for anxiety medication. Sure, these treatments can help in some ways, but they often don’t address the deeper human need for connection. They don’t address the veteran’s original reason for coming for help in the first place. Mental health care suffers from a medicalized bias. The organizing center of mental “health” treatment is actually illness (ironically, not health at all).  The focus has been on diagnosing, medicating, and reducing symptoms—things that are measurable and billable. But research across fields like public health and psychology shows that relationships are the foundation of well-being. Social connection buffers against stress, reduces suicide risk, and even helps mitigate symptoms of PTSD and depression³,⁴,⁵. When mental health care focuses solely on illness, it misses the opportunity to provide something that is a deep need in our culture right now: connection. This disconnect isn’t just an oversight—it’s a missed opportunity. Prioritizing social connection not only aligns with veterans’ expressed values but also creates benefits that ripple outward: reduced loneliness, improved mental health, enhanced quality of life, decreased risk for suicide, and even decreased reliance on an overburdened healthcare system⁶. Making Relationships the Centerpiece of Healing This is where the Rewire approach comes in. It’s built on a simple but powerful idea: healing centers on relationships and connection, not disease and illness. Instead of treating relationships as an afterthought, Rewire puts them front and center. It recognizes that what veterans want—better relationships and social connection—isn’t just a personal goal. It’s also the most effective and sustainable path to mental health and resilience. Rewire focuses on building meaningful relationships by helping veterans reconnect with their values. What kind of partner, parent, or friend do you want to be? What actions can you take to align with that vision? It’s not about waiting for others to change or for life to get easier. It’s about taking purposeful steps toward the relationships that matter most. This approach is backed by research. Studies show that social support can amplify the benefits of traditional PTSD treatments and help reduce symptoms over time⁷. More importantly, veterans who rebuild strong social networks often report feeling a renewed sense of purpose and belonging⁸. And that’s what makes this work so powerful. It doesn’t just help veterans survive—it helps them thrive. Finding Meaning in Connection Veterans know how to lead. In the military, you learn to put the mission above yourself, to work as part of a team. Those same skills are just as valuable in civilian life. In fact, your community needs the leadership around teamwork and removing the self from the center of the universe. Reconnecting with your sense of purpose can transform how you approach relationships, and transform the community around you. It’s not about seeing military service as the peak of your life but as preparation for the impact you can have now—in your family, community, and beyond. This isn’t about being perfect. Relationships are messy, and healing takes time. But the effort is worth it. When you align your actions with your values, you not only strengthen your relationships—you rediscover who you are. You find the courage to show up fully, even when it’s hard. And in doing so, you create a life that feels meaningful again. Looking Ahead: The Next Steps In this essay,

By Dr. Andrew Smith, psychologist, professor, relationship expert, and Tillman Scholar. To begin transforming your relationships today, download the free guide and take the free assessment at REWIRE Wellness. My patients and research subjects describe loneliness as a void, an emptiness that creeps into our days and settles into our nights. But what if we viewed it differently—not as a punishment, but as a biological signal, much like hunger or thirst? Just as hunger compels us to seek sustenance, loneliness urges us toward connection. It’s a signal reminding us of our deep-seated human need to belong. It is anything but a mark of personal failing. Coming in to 2025, this signal is sounding louder than ever. Studies show that loneliness is not only pervasive but increasingly chronic, especially among young adults. Given the ways things have changed, the path forward can’t be about longing and re-claiming the social structures of the past. It has to be about personal growth, intentional action, grounded in values…all towards YOU shaping a future where connection is right-sized, deliberate, and meaningful. The Modern Landscape of Loneliness Loneliness is not just a fleeting feeling—it’s a biological response. Researchers like John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley have shown that loneliness functions similarly to hunger, signaling a need for connection just as a rumbling stomach signals a need for food. Their studies reveal how loneliness activates the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain, underscoring its role as an evolutionary mechanism that pushes us toward the safety of social bonds. Here’s a weird question: Would it be wise to do away with physical pain? Would it be good to not know that when I’m near a fire, it makes me hot and could burn me? Of course not. And the same is true for loneliness. Doing away with this biological capacity for the pain that accompanies loneliness—through numbing or some kind of social utopia that doesn’t exist in this life— would not be good for you, me, or our communities. Responding to this biological pain signal that is ‘loneliness’ has become complex and fraught.  With the decline of traditional social institutions like churches, clubs, and workplaces, and the rise of digital-first interactions, opportunities for face-to-face connection have diminished. Social media, while offering unprecedented access to others, often leaves us comparing ourselves to curated versions of their lives or the life that we “could have had” rather than fostering real intimacy. This creates a feedback loop where feelings of inadequacy prevent the very actions that could bring connection. But this is not a permanent condition. Loneliness, as difficult as it feels, can also be a starting point—a signal urging us toward growth, connection, and alignment with our deeper selves. Values as a Starting Point in the Antidote to Loneliness When faced with loneliness, it’s tempting to look outward and focus on what’s missing. Or to look inward and focus on what’s wrong with us. But often, the most profound shifts come when we shift our focus from external or internal depravity, towards our values as a guide or way to respond.  What do we value most in our relationships? How can we align our actions with those values? Values provide a roadmap for navigating loneliness. They remind us of the person we aspire to be, offering clarity about how we want to show up for others. For example: By identifying our core values, we gain clarity on the relationships we want to nurture and the actions that can help us get there. Exercise: Identify 3–5 core values that resonate with your aspirational self. Examples might include authenticity, courage, or service. Use these values as a guide for choosing small actions that reflect the kind of relationships you want to cultivate. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, writing a gratitude note, or volunteering for a cause you care about, values-led actions become the antidote to the disconnection we feel. And the inertia can build into a you that is more resilient and rational about what loneliness means and could prompt you towards. A Novel Approach: Behavioral Activation with Rewire Traditional approaches often focus on changing the way we think about relationships before changing the way we act. Cognitive-based interventions, while helpful for some, can leave people feeling stuck in rumination—caught in a loop of analyzing their feelings without moving toward action. Rewire offers a fresh perspective. We treat loneliness as a behavioral activation challenge, emphasizing small, intentional actions that align with personal values. The Rewire intervention leverages science-backed strategies to guide individuals toward actions that foster meaningful connection. Rather than trying to “think your way out” of loneliness, Rewire encourages you to “act your way out” through consistent, values-driven behaviors. This approach is supported by evidence: small actions, like reaching out to loved ones or showing gratitude, not only improve the quality of relationships in the present but also predict long-term reductions in loneliness and greater intimacy. Behavioral activation makes connection feel achievable, even in moments when loneliness feels overwhelming. The Science of Small Steps The path out of loneliness doesn’t require sweeping changes. It requires consistency and reliability, in a low and slow approach that builds inertia as you go. Research shows that small, intentional actions, when repeated consistently, can profoundly improve social connection. The original Rewire intervention study highlights the power of small, values-driven behaviors toward important people in our lives. By taking even modest steps—like reaching out to a loved one or offering help to a neighbor—we not only improve the present quality of our relationships but also lay the foundation for deeper connection and reduced loneliness over time. Case Study 1: A young mother, feeling isolated despite being surrounded by family, starts sharing honest moments of her struggles with other moms in her community. These small acts of vulnerability evolve into a supportive network, proving that micro-actions can create significant change. Case Study 2: Tyler, a Gen Z college sophomore, moved to campus with high hopes of finding lifelong friends but quickly felt

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar To start transforming your relationships today, download our free guide and check out the REWIRE app. Sophia, a 22-year-old recent college graduate, is navigating her first job and adult responsibilities. Most evenings, she unwinds by scrolling through Instagram. Her feed is filled with polished snapshots: her college roommate celebrating a promotion, her high school friend beaming on a sun-drenched vacation, a former coworker announcing their engagement with a sparkling ring. The highlight reel of other people’s lives plays on repeat, and with each scroll, Sophia feels the gap between their curated joy and her internal messiness grow wider. She can’t help but compare her lonely evenings in a studio apartment to the vibrant, seemingly perfect lives of her peers. Sophia isn’t just scrolling; she’s spiraling. Questions flood her mind: Why isn’t my life like this? Why don’t I have what they have? This loneliness turns to self-loathing. It feels crushing, like a personal failing she can’t escape. But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if there was a way to shift the way we experience loneliness—not as proof of inadequacy but as a signal guiding us toward something better? What If Loneliness Meant Something Else? Sophia’s story highlights a painful misconception: loneliness often feels like a verdict—a confirmation of failure, inadequacy, or even something inherently wrong with us. This belief is fueled by the illusion of perfection we see online, where every post seems to shout, Look at how much worse your life is than mine. But this interpretation of loneliness is both inaccurate and harmful. Loneliness isn’t proof of failure; it’s proof that you’re human. It’s not a diagnosis, a disease to be cured, or an indictment of your worth. Instead, loneliness is a biological signal, as essential as hunger or thirst. It’s your mind and body working together to tell you: You need connection to thrive. Loneliness is universal. Every human, from the most confident extrovert to the most reserved introvert, has felt its weight. Across cultures, generations, and circumstances, loneliness connects us in its inevitability. Even in the animal kingdom, we see its echoes—wolves howl for their pack, birds call for their mates, and primates seek out the safety of their group. What stimulates these connection actions? The biology of aloneness and loneliness. Our interpretation of loneliness as a personal shortcoming can set off a downward spiral. Chronic loneliness is linked to mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, and intensified feelings of disconnection. But while the cycle of loneliness can be painful, it is not inevitable. When we reframe loneliness as a signal rather than a verdict, we unlock its potential to lead us toward connection and growth. Some Drivers of Loneliness Loneliness is not simply a personal failing; it’s also a reflection of systemic and cultural forces. However, understanding these drivers allows us to see the path forward—through both collective action and individual effort: While these forces may feel overwhelming, they are not insurmountable. The science on Rewire shows that loneliness improves through daily committed actions towards others and community. Change begins with small, intentional actions you can take today. By acknowledging the broader influences on loneliness, you empower yourself to reclaim connection in your life—starting with the relationships and spaces that matter most to you. How Can We Respond to Loneliness? Recognizing loneliness as a signal allows us to approach it differently. Instead of retreating into self-blame or withdrawal, we can view it as a call to act with intention and self-compassion: Change is Possible When loneliness feels like a verdict, it’s easy to retreat, and engage in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. If interpreted as proof of inadequacy, it often drives avoidance. You might withdraw from social situations, fearing judgment, or convince yourself that reaching out won’t make a difference. But loneliness doesn’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we view it as a universal signal, it shifts the narrative entirely. Rather than a message about your worth, loneliness becomes a message about your needs. It says: You’re feeling that normal, universal emotion again. Time to move toward connection with one action. As a signal, loneliness simply tells you what you need. It’s an invitation to seek out others, deepen relationships, or rebuild connections that have drifted. It reminds you that loneliness is not the final word; it’s a call to move toward the relationships that can soothe it. Sophia, for example, could interpret her loneliness as a verdict, pulling back and isolating herself. Or she could treat it as a signal, allowing it to nudge her toward texting an old friend or planning a coffee date. Each small act of connection reminds her that loneliness is temporary, not permanent. This reframing creates room for growth. Loneliness, when met with action, doesn’t define you—it propels you. It urges you to move toward others, replacing self-criticism with meaningful relationships. How We Approach Loneliness in Rewire At Rewire, we believe that loneliness is not just a feeling to be endured but a signal to be minded. We focus on building mindfulness and insight about when and why you feel lonely. In Rewire, we say that while loneliness deserves your attention, it doesn’t deserve to rule your decisions or define your identity. We help you recognize loneliness as an emotional cue, not a permanent state, and guide you in responding in ways that align with your values. Whether it’s identifying your core values, practicing small acts of connection, or engaging with your community, REWIRE offers a path forward. The goal isn’t to eliminate loneliness entirely—because it’s a natural part of life—but to help you respond with growth and purpose, rather than retreat or despair. A Series on Loneliness and Reclaiming Connection This essay is the beginning of a series for those grappling with loneliness. Future installments will explore antidotes to loneliness, starting with the role of values. By grounding yourself in principles like service, connection, and community, you can

(Parenting Part 3) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Dad, Husband, Pat Tillman Military Scholar, Therapist, Professor, Researcher, Relationship Expert For those ready to dive deeper into building resilient relationships and crafting a redemptive narrative for your family, check out the REWIRE Free Guide and the REWIRE App—tools designed to support you in creating intentional, transformative connections. Human beings are storytellers. Across cultures and eras, storytelling has been our primary way of conveying values, beliefs, and history. In ancient Greece, for example, myths were more than just entertainment; they were a way to pass down essential values about heroism, resilience, and morality. The myth of Theseus and the Minotaur taught young listeners about bravery, sacrifice, and the complexities of facing personal fears. In much the same way, as modern parents, we pass down our own narratives to our children. Each story—whether a casual anecdote, a lesson, or simply entertainment—becomes part of a collection that shapes our children’s sense of identity and worldview. Through these narratives, they develop a “theory” of who we are, what we value, and how they should see themselves and others. By examining the stories we reinforce—especially those of redemption or contamination—we can shape a lasting impact on our children’s sense of self and their resilience in relationships, a central tenet in the REWIRE approach. This essay is part of a four-part series on parenting, offering a holistic approach to shaping strong, healthy families. Each entry explores essential elements of parenting: practical tools to improve relationships, cultivating a healthy parenting mindset, fostering a positive self-identity, and, in this installment, using storytelling and narrative to help our children navigate life’s challenges. Together, these elements offer a comprehensive roadmap for intentional parenting, aligned with the REWIRE framework. Redemption and Contamination Narratives: Two Paths Our personal life stories often fall into patterns that psychologists call “redemption” and “contamination” narratives. A redemption narrative is one where difficult situations ultimately lead to growth, resilience, or positive change—a journey from adversity to triumph. In contrast, a contamination narrative views challenges as evidence of inevitable failure or ongoing hardship, where setbacks or pain seem insurmountable. As parents, we’re often unaware of which narrative we’re reinforcing with our children. Yet, these narratives are powerful lenses that shape how they interpret their own lives and challenges. Are we helping them see difficulties as temporary and surmountable? Or are we, even unintentionally, modeling a story where obstacles are final, and relationships are fragile? Through the REWIRE approach, parents can become more mindful of these patterns, making intentional choices about the narratives they pass down. Modeling a Redemption Narrative in Parenting A redemption narrative emphasizes resilience, grit, and hope. In this framework, we show our children that setbacks are a natural part of life and learning. For example, if a child experiences failure in school or a conflict with friends, we can help them see these struggles as opportunities to learn and grow. Critical life skills like responsibility, apologizing, and seeking reconciliation come from challenge, struggle, and mistakes. Rather than focusing solely on the negative aspects of the situation, we can encourage them to reflect on what they’ve learned and how they can approach similar situations differently in the future. Holding onto hope is not always intuitive or easy, especially when life throws a series of challenges our way—financial strain, loss, job stress, or difficult relationships. There are days when encouraging a child to see the positive side feels at odds with our own weariness. Yet, in these moments, we have a unique opportunity to model resilience by acknowledging that hope isn’t always a given; sometimes, it’s a choice we make. It requires faith that we will rise from hardship and challenge again and again. Consider the difference between saying, “This was a tough experience, but it’s something we can work through together,” versus, “This always seems to happen—it seems like you just can’t get it right.” In the first, we show our children that while life is sometimes hard and uncertain, we have the strength to persist. Acknowledging the difficulty of this mindset can actually strengthen its impact, teaching children that resilience is not about ignoring struggles but about facing them with courage. REWIRE encourages parents to ground themselves in their personal values and goals, which allows more consistent and effective modeling of hope—especially when it’s challenging. This teaches children that setbacks don’t define us; they grow us, and we aren’t alone in navigating difficult situations. It shows them they are capable of growth and change, and that relationships and setbacks are not permanent markers of failure. Breaking Patterns of Divorce and Abandonment: A Heroic Legacy of Resilience For many families, cycles of divorce, abandonment, or broken relationships are painful patterns that repeat across generations. It takes intentionality and honesty to break this cycle. I’ve seen clients do it—choosing instead to construct new narratives for their families rooted in commitment, resilience, and transformation. These parents are heroes, refusing to let history and fear of collapse dictate the future of their families. Breaking these cycles requires intentionality, focus, and a clear sense of purpose. For parents actively working to break free from a legacy of relational disrepair, grounding in a redemption narrative becomes an essential act of courage. It involves consciously embracing a new model of relationships—one built on hope, resilience, and the possibility of lasting connection. Rather than reinforcing stories of inevitable disappointment, they focus on narratives where relationships can endure, evolve, and flourish. They take pride in showing their children that relationships can be strong and supportive, and that overcoming challenges can make families even stronger. The journey to break historical patterns is never simple, but the impact is profound. Children who grow up seeing their parents intentionally build a healthier family story learn that love and commitment are possible, even in the face of adversity. This work requires vigilance, empathy, and a willingness to do things differently. These parents show their children that they are capable of creating relationships based on trust and kindness rather than

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Psychologist, Professor, Dad, Husband, Tillman Military Scholar. To start building a more balanced and joy filled approach to parenting, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Parenting is a profound journey that blends moments of deep joy with challenges that stretch us beyond what we thought possible. It’s a role that continuously asks us to grow, face our flaws, and celebrate our strengths. How we approach parenting—the mindset we adopt—affects not just our experience but also the environment we create for our children. Developing a mindset rooted in values and balance can transform both our day-to-day interactions and our long-term relationships. This essay, the second in a four-part series on parenting through the REWIRE approach, is for parents across all stages—from parents-to-be and those navigating the early years of childhood (0-9) to parents of preteens (10-13), teenagers (14-18), emerging adults (18-25), and even those whose children have reached full adulthood (26 and beyond). REWIRE is an intervention that I designed, tested, and published in the peer-reviewed scientific literature to help people improve their relationships. We are in the process of building an app to expand access to this approach, due to be available in summer 2025. Whether you’re guiding a young child or supporting an adult child from afar, this essay will explore how to develop a healthy mindset that balances joy and growth, avoids common pitfalls, and enables you to show up as the parent you aspire to be. Why Your Parenting Mindset Matters Parenting is deeply tied to our sense of identity and how we view ourselves. The mindset we cultivate shapes how we respond to challenges, engage with our children, and create the emotional climate of our home. The mindset we model as parents can help our children navigate a tough world. The REWIRE approach emphasizes this kind of self-critique, self-awareness, and intentionality—guiding parents to live in the present and align with their deepest values, with skillful flexibility. 1. A Healthy Mindset A healthy parenting mindset involves striking a balance between embracing joy and fostering growth. Some days, parenting feels effortless and filled with laughter and connection. On other days, it can feel overwhelming, unrewarding, and anxiety-inducing. These dynamic swings challenge our patience and presence. Being able to flexibly respond from this balanced mindset is immeasurably valuable. For example, with a teenager, joy might come from shared moments like a spontaneous conversation in the car or a shared hobby. Growth, on the other hand, often emerges during times of conflict or boundary-setting. Suppose your teenager reacts defensively to a new household rule. The immediate situation may feel tense and upsetting, but it’s an opportunity to foster growth and communication—both theirs and yours. Communicating calmly, listening to their perspective, and reinforcing why the value behind the rule matters allows you to model resilience and problem-solving. Even if your teenager continues to press their point and express strong emotions, you can remain grounded in this growth and values-led part of the mindset. This approach helps you experience centeredness and resilience, maintaining connection and stability even amidst continued disagreement. The focus on long-term values and understanding allows you to guide with empathy, showing your child that differing opinions can coexist with love and respect. This turns a battle into a teachable moment that nurtures growth without slipping into authoritarian actions that drive parents and their kids apart. Understanding that moments of joy and presence are equally as important as opportunities for growth allows us to avoid viewing challenges purely as problems. Instead, we see them as critical experiences that deepen our parenting approach. 2. Avoiding the Two Common Parenting Mindset Pitfalls a. Parenting as Self-Fulfillment Viewing parenting as a source of self-fulfillment can set a harmful precedent, placing immense pressure on children to meet the emotional and psychological needs of their parents. When we seek validation through our child’s achievements, successes, or even their behavior, we inadvertently create an environment where children may feel responsible for our happiness. This can manifest in unhealthy ways, particularly when children struggle to meet those expectations. If they falter academically, socially, or in any pursuit, the parent’s disappointment may feel compounded, as if it’s a personal failure. For example, consider a parent who places their sense of worth on their teenager’s academic success. If your teenager struggles with grades or decides to pursue a less conventional path, you might feel personally attacked or disappointed, interpreting their choices as failures that reflect on you. This dynamic can create tension and distance, making your teenager feel burdened by your expectations and less inclined to share their true aspirations or struggles. Instead of fostering open communication and trust, the need for validation can stifle growth and self-expression. Stay tuned for a follow-up essay on how REWIRE helps build your identity security as a parent to help recalibrate away from this pitfall. b. Parenting as Pure Duty On the other side of the spectrum is the mindset that sees parenting as a series of obligations and responsibilities, devoid of joy or genuine connection. While fulfilling duties is an integral part of raising children—ensuring they are fed, safe, and educated—approaching parenting as merely a checklist of tasks can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout. This mindset risks turning interactions into transactions, where the parent-child relationship becomes more functional than nurturing. For instance, imagine a parent of a young child who focuses solely on meeting the practical needs—preparing meals, overseeing hygiene, and ensuring homework is complete—without taking moments to engage in play or share affection. While the child’s basic needs are met, they may begin to feel overlooked emotionally. You, as the parent, may find yourself exhausted and disconnected, missing the joy in your child’s laughter or the shared wonder of simple activities. This lack of connection can make the home feel mechanical, reducing the warmth that builds trust and bonds. Children are remarkably intuitive; they sense when interactions are devoid of warmth or genuine interest. A home that feels devoid of spontaneity and joy can

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Psychologist, Professor, Pat Tillman Military Scholar. To build the trust foundation in your relationships, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Trust is foundational to any healthy relationship—it’s the bedrock that allows us to feel safe, connected, and secure. In the REWIRE process, we take trust seriously. Rather than seeing trust as an all-or-nothing concept, REWIRE reframes it as multidimensional and ever-evolving. You can trust someone in one area while still working to build trust in another. For example, you might trust your colleague to manage a big project but hesitate to share personal challenges with them. Or, in another case, a soldier might trust their fellow veterans to protect them in battle but not feel confident handing them their newborn child. Perhaps you are someone or in a relationship with someone whom previous relationships have involved severe instances of betrayed trust, by a romantic partner or a parent or a friend. And you are carrying this history of mistrust with you into the future, and trust becomes a hard earned and fragile thing. Flexible thinking about trust as multidimensional, buildable, and an ever-evolving capacity between two people is crucial to understanding how we build, assess, and improve trust in our relationships. By seeing trust as a gradient, we can take more specific actions to strengthen it. Here are five essential skill areas to help you build and maintain trust in your relationships. 1. Communication: Vulnerability and Validation Trust begins with honest communication. It takes courage to express our feelings, needs, and experiences, especially when they make us vulnerable. Sharing openly allows others the opportunity to meet us where we are. However, many people avoid vulnerability out of fear—what if our needs aren’t met with empathy? There are of course reasons for not doing this—it’s downright painful to have some respond to your honesty without empathy. That’s why vulnerability takes courage, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past and trend towards self-protection. Being emotionally honest with one another creates a strong foundation for trust. This involves sharing your feelings, needs, and experiences without manipulating the response of the other person​​. Honest communication, even about difficult topics, helps reinforce mutual respect and understanding. And it helps hard experiences that you are having to emerge so that you can start working on them with the help of another person. For example, if your partner says they feel neglected, it’s more productive to acknowledge their feelings—“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way”—rather than jumping into a defense of your actions. This allows trust to flourish because it prioritizes emotional honesty over the need to be “right.” 2. Actions: Aligning Behavior with Core Values Talk is important, but actions are even more crucial when building trust. People learn to trust us when we do what we say we’ll do, and this starts with grounding our actions in our core values. Living in alignment with values like honesty, reliability, and compassion makes us predictable and trustworthy. For example, if you value responsibility, that means showing up when you say you will—whether it’s for a meeting, a family commitment, or even just a small favor. Trust is built incrementally through everyday actions that demonstrate reliability and care. However, REWIRE takes a nuanced wrinkle to this “living up to our values” and “doing what you say” adage. You are sure to fail to do this all of the time. The key part of trust building through the REWIRE approach is for you to be mindful of when your actions are not aligned with your values. We all fall short at times, whether it’s breaking a promise, failing to follow through on a commitment, betraying a value, or reacting in ways that don’t reflect who we aspire to be. When we aren’t acting in alignment with our values, trust issues aren’t far behind—both in how others experience us and how we see ourselves. Being aware of these moments of misalignment is essential for trust-building. Your ability to build insight into this is key. If you can identify when you’ve strayed from our values, or when you are having an emotion or thought that might cause you to stray from your values, you have the opportunity to correct course. This might involve acknowledging our missteps, apologizing sincerely, and committing to do better. For example, if you value honesty but catch yourself hiding something from a partner, acknowledging this and addressing it head-on can prevent trust from eroding. It’s not about being perfect but about being willing to notice when you’re not, and re-calibrate back towards your aspirational self. By staying attuned to where we fall short, and taking responsibility when we do, we show others that we are genuinely committed to acting in alignment with our values, which reinforces trust over time. 3. Conflict Resolution: Addressing Issues with Empathy Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but the way we handle it can either build or erode trust. In the REWIRE approach, conflict resolution is seen as a critical moment where trust can be deepened through empathy, shared understanding, and collaborative problem-solving. The REWIRE philosophy emphasizes that during conflict, we need to resist the instinct to either avoid the issue or turn it into a battle of winners and losers. Instead, conflicts should be approached as opportunities to stand side by side, working together against the problem rather than against each other. This requires a fundamental shift in mindset—one that assumes the best of the other person and focuses on collaboration rather than blame. When conflicts arise, it’s easy to become defensive, focusing on protecting our own viewpoint or dismissing the other person’s feelings. But trust grows when both people can engage with the issue empathetically. This means actively listening to the other person’s concerns, validating their feelings, and expressing your own needs without attacking or blaming. For example, if a conflict arises about how much time you’re spending with friends versus your partner, instead of responding defensively with “I don’t see the problem,” a REWIRE-based approach

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar Marriage is one of the most significant commitments we make in life. While love is often the focus in conversations about marriage (and should be!), there are also deeper aspects to consider when you’re contemplating a lifelong commitment. Whether you’re preparing yourself for a more enduring commitment or are already in a serious relationship and thinking about marriage, today I’m discussing three areas to evaluate as you prepare: Character, History of Relationships, and the balance between Friendship and Attraction. I’m writing this from the perspective of REWIRE, a philosophy and treatment approach designed to foster healthy, meaningful relationships. REWIRE helps individuals at all stages of life—from young adults to those in long-term partnerships—understand and develop the skills needed for deep connection and fulfillment. Whether you’re considering marriage or navigating relationships at any developmental stage, REWIRE offers tools to build relationships grounded in trust, respect, mutual growth, and joy. For those preparing for marriage, these foundational principles are key to creating a lasting, resilient partnership. This is the fourth essay in a four-part series on marriage. In Part 1, I lay out the mindset for marriage (link). In Part 2, I discussed the importance of narrative and healthy identity for a thriving marriage (link). Part 3 covered practical actions for improving marriage (link). today, its all about evaluating three core areas to prepare for a long and fulfilling marriage. 1. Character: The Core of Who They Are When preparing for marriage, character should be at the top of your list. Character—not just personality or chemistry—determines how someone will act when life gets difficult. It’s easy to be in love when things are going smoothly, but the real test of a marriage comes when the unexpected happens: job loss, illness, family challenges, or personal failures. What to look for in someone’s character: It’s crucial to understand how your potential partner will respond when life gets challenging. Will they stick with you through tough times, or will they turn away or look for an escape? Moments of stress often reveal a person’s true character. Someone who shifts blame or refuses to take responsibility when things go wrong can create deep fissures in a marriage. On the other hand, a partner who is willing to own their mistakes and work through problems constructively will foster a marriage based on mutual trust and growth. Another aspect of character is how your partner behaves when you’re not around. Can you trust them to act with integrity? Trust isn’t just about physical faithfulness—it’s about knowing your partner will act according to their values, even when no one is watching. Questions to consider: Ultimately, marriage is about more than just compatibility; it’s about trust. And trust is built on the foundation of solid character, especially in difficult times. 2. History of Relationships: A Window Into Patterns The second area to examine is your partner’s history of close relationships. Past relationships—whether romantic, familial, or friendships—can offer valuable insights into how someone navigates connection, intimacy, and conflict. Understanding these patterns is crucial because many of them can resurface in a marriage. Conflict Resolution: One of the most important lessons you can learn from a partner’s past relationships is how they handle conflict. Disagreements are inevitable, but the way your partner deals with them is an indicator of how they’ll handle conflict in marriage. Do they avoid conflict, or are they willing to engage and resolve issues? Do they shift blame, or do they take responsibility for their role in the problem? Do they try to see the issue from others’ perspectives? If your partner has shown a pattern of learning and growth in their past relationships—taking responsibility, working toward solutions, and learning from their mistakes Forgiveness and Grace: A key component of examining someone’s history of relationships is understanding their capacity for forgiveness and grace. Long-term friendships and family relationships are often a testament to how well someone can handle conflict, extend grace, and repair relationships after hurt. Do they hold onto grudges, or are they able to let go and forgive when it’s necessary? Someone who demonstrates a consistent ability to forgive and work through difficult situations with others is likely to bring that same mindset to a marriage, which can be essential for long-term success. Commitment to Family: Another key aspect to explore is how your partner relates to their family. Our families are often our first and most formative relationships, and how your partner views and maintains these ties can give you important insights. Are they committed to staying connected to their family? Do they honor those relationships, even when it’s challenging, or do they distance themselves at the first sign of trouble? However, it’s important to note that maintaining boundaries with family is equally critical. There are situations—such as messy, traumatic, or toxic family dynamics—where the healthiest option may be setting strong boundaries, not remaining enmeshed with family members. This doesn’t mean a lack of commitment to relationships, but rather a commitment to personal well-being and healthy connection. A good sign is whether your partner is able to balance these boundaries thoughtfully while maintaining a sense of care and respect for family members. What to look for in their history: It’s not about having a perfect relationship history but understanding how your partner has grown from past experiences. Questions to consider: 3. Friendship and Attraction: Balancing Connection and Chemistry The third essential area is the balance between friendship and attraction. Physical attraction is an important part of any romantic relationship—it’s got to be there. But a marriage cannot be sustained on attraction alone. When the honeymoon phase fades, it’s the friendship—the shared respect, trust, and companionship—that holds a couple together. In a strong marriage, friendship is often the anchor. Being able to enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, support one another’s dreams, and simply be each other’s best friend creates a depth of connection that attraction alone can’t provide. What to look for in

(Marriage Part 3) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Today’s post focuses on practical skills and actions for improving your marriage. This is the third essay in a four-part series on marriage using the REWIRE approach. REWIRE is an evidence-supported, scientifically designed, and tested intervention that places relationship connection at the core of our meaning and mental health. I’m writing to those who want to improve their marriages, prepare wisely for marriage, those helping individuals and couples, and even people struggling to process the end of a failed marriage. Part 1 laid out a healthy marriage mindset, based on a balanced approach of growth and enjoyment (link).Part 2 explored how a redemption narrative and a healthy sense of self are fundamental to handling inevitable marital challenges (link). Today, in Part 3, we get practical. We’re answering the question: How do I start to move toward improvement? If you’ve embraced the arguments in Parts 1 and 2, this section will help you figure out how to begin implementing change. Skills for Intentional Actions that Drive Change Now that we’ve established the importance of mindset, narrative, and self-connection, the next step is to actively improve your marriage using a values-based approach. Committing to values-led behaviors is crucial for transforming your marriage into a source of healing and growth, rather than repeating stuck patterns driven by emotional reactions or habitual mental scripts. This is about aligning your actions with your aspirations for yourself and your marriage. The set of skills that underpin this alignment is transferable to all your relationships. We’re focusing on marriage in this series because marriage can be the starting point for these changes, which can then extend to other relationships and communities. Let me add a critical caveat: while it’s helpful to do this work in harmony with your spouse, transformation can happen even when only one person initiates the change. It only takes one courageous person to start living by values, rather than reacting emotionally or being driven by negative thoughts or scripts. Acting with Intention by Using Values as Your Compass When we are driven by emotions like frustration, anger, or disappointment, or when we get stuck in our heads, we risk acting in ways that are inconsistent with our values. This creates cycles of disconnection and conflict that repeat endlessly. REWIRE offers an alternative to this “stuckness” by teaching skills that help you ground your behaviors in your values—those deeper, guiding principles that shape who you aspire to be. This shift focuses on long-term goals of health and redemption in the marriage, rather than short-term emotional reactions or cyclical thinking. For example, if your values are compassion, respect, and honesty, pausing in a moment of frustration gives you an opportunity to choose a compassionate or honest behavior that fosters connection, rather than escalating conflict or withdrawing in frustration. Values are powerful because they remain steady, even when emotions fluctuate or thoughts lead you astray. The definition of these values doesn’t change, unlike our internal states, which can pull us off course. Being driven by emotions or negative scripts opposes living by values and aspirations, which use redemptive scripts and healthy states. The following three steps summarize the skills to ground your marriage in values-led actions: The goal is that, with practice, you’ll use these simple steps to engage in your marriage in healthier ways and break patterns that don’t align with your aspirations. These skills can be used in real-life situations, even when emotions are running high or negative thoughts are loud. Two Skills That Give You the Power to Choose Change Aligning your actions with your values requires two REWIRE skills: mindfulness and defusion. REWIRE Skill 1: MindfulnessMindfulness develops the ability to slow down and notice when emotions arise or when old, stuck scripts are playing in the background. By taking a deep breath and noticing what’s happening in your body, thoughts, and environment, you can ground yourself in the present moment. Some automatic, stuck scripts might sound like: Without mindfulness of that these common scripts are playing, we fall into repetitive patterns that prevent change. Acknowledging these patterns gives you the power to make new choices. REWIRE Skill 2: DefusionDefusion is the ability to look at and evaluate your thoughts, rather than looking from them. First, notice the thought (using mindfulness). Then, separate from it and observe it as it passes by. Defusion helps you detach from your thoughts and emotions, instead of acting as though they define you, and therefore must be “authentically” acted upon. For example, feeling hurt or angry doesn’t mean you’re a fragile or angry person. You are having hurt or angry thoughts, but they don’t dictate your identity. You have a choice other than a hurt or angry reaction that may actually align with your desired self and goals. When you separate from these thoughts, you can choose values-led actions. Committing to Actions That Promote Redemption and Growth By slowing down, noticing your reactions, and separating from them, you give yourself a choice. What you do with that choice is crucial: your next action or words could align with your values, not be ruled by your emotions or thoughts. Mindfulness allows you to notice when emotions arise, and defusion allows you to observe them without letting them define you. Together, these skills provide the space to act in line with your values, fostering redemption and growth. As you read this, I encourage you to identify 3-5 aspirational values that you can use to measure your behavior in your marriage. Scroll to the end of this post for a list of values to pick from. Remember, you won’t live out your values perfectly—and that’s okay. The key is to accept that you will struggle to align your behavior with your values. Your job is not to focus on how external forces (such as your spouse) inhibit your

(Marriage Part 2) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Humans are natural storytellers. From one perspective, when we scale out to the history of the universe, our existence seems insignificant and fleeting. However, within our lives, our relationships, and the time we share with those we love, our lives are profoundly meaningful. We don’t just live and die; we create stories that shape our motivation, identity, and sense of purpose. Against the backdrop of a universe that scarcely notices our existence, we find meaning, perhaps because of our smallness. This ability to create meaning is one of humanity’s greatest strengths, and deep commitments, especially in marriage, are a vital source of that meaning. Jason Isbell, one of my favorite songwriters, expresses this beautifully (see his quote at the end of this post). Today’s post is the second in a four-part series on how REWIRE approaches marriage. REWIRE is an intervention I’ve been developing and refining over the past six years. Rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, it places social relationships at the heart of a flourishing life. Evidence shows that REWIRE enhances quality of life, mental health, and well-being through deeper engagement in meaningful relationships. I’m writing for those who want to improve their marriages—whether you’re in a place of crisis, strength, or somewhere in between. I’m also writing for individuals considering marriage or preparing to commit to their partner. This content is also for therapists and counselors who work with couples or individuals. And if you’re someone grieving or processing the end of an important relationship, I hope this helps you too. In the first marriage essay, I laid out what a healthy marriage mindset looks like (rewirewellness.co/2024/10/09/a-healthy-marriage-mindset-enjoyment-growth/). Today, we’ll focus on how the stories we tell about ourselves and our marriages form the foundation for growth. The Story of Your Marriage Matters Marriage can be a cornerstone relationship, giving our lives meaning. When something is important, we naturally create stories around it. Marriage, whether we realize it or not, is built on an ever-evolving narrative—about the when, why, and how. Think about it: when meeting a new couple or getting to know someone, one of the first questions we often ask is, “How did you two meet?” We ask because marriage stories are deeply meaningful, ancient human expressions that ground our lives in connection and purpose. They show us whether our values align and guide us toward deeper bonds. Two types of narratives often emerge: redemption and contamination. A contamination narrative sounds like, “It’s bad and it will stay bad, so why try? This is hopeless” But a redemption narrative says, “It’s good, and though challenging, we can make it good again.” REWIRE encourages asking these fundamental questions about the stories we live by: Let me be clear: this isn’t about ignoring real pain or pretending everything is fine. Pain and disappointment in marriage are real, and REWIRE starts by acknowledging that. Starting from an honest position that accepts the challenges as they are is a critical foundation for this work. But alongside this validation and acceptance, REWIRE hedges on hope—the hope for redemption, which motivates us to put in the hard work of change, self-reflection, and growth. Building Your Sense of Self When marriages tip into the danger zone, I start seeing a few emotional patterns: co-dependence and complete emotional separation. The goal is to find a middle path where both partners can be independent but still deeply connected. Let’s begin with co-dependence. On this side, your emotional well-being is tightly linked to your spouse’s state. This can become problematic since, on any given day, your spouse may be struggling, offering an unhelpful perspective, or simply not in a position to provide the validation you’re seeking. When your sense of being “okay” or “good” depends solely on your spouse’s emotional state or approval, you relinquish too much power. This dynamic is unsustainable, as it puts undue pressure on both partners and limits individual growth. On the opposite end of the spectrum, total emotional separation leaves little room for mutual support. When we’re too distant, we fail to share in each other’s victories or be present during struggles. The knowledge your spouse has about who you are—the intimate insight they bring—becomes untapped potential for growth. This full separation often results from the pain of co-dependence, driving people to an extreme as they try to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed. What’s ideal is balance. In the middle ground, where true emotional health resides, couples are: Achieving this balance requires cultivating identity and self-worth beyond the marriage itself. While your spouse’s opinion is valuable, it shouldn’t be the sole determinant of your choices. It’s a superpower to consider your spouse’s insight while still making independent decisions that reflect the bigger picture of your life. This balance invites honest, authentic feedback from your partner, as they feel safe knowing you can handle their input constructively. Emotional balance also makes space for your spouse to move you emotionally—without overwhelming you. If you’re not emotionally fatigued or too dependent, you’ll be in a better place to support your spouse through their own struggles. Healthy emotional boundaries ensure that, even during their difficult times, you remain capable of offering the care and compassion that the journey of marriage demands. Some questions to reflect on: REWIRE starts with a redemption narrative and encourages the development of self-worth and identity. By doing so, you can align more deeply with your values and goals within the marriage. Cultivating this sense of self will help you navigate the challenges that inevitably arise, while maintaining a deeper connection with your partner. The skills in the Part 3 of this marriage series will lay out skills that can help improve you towards these goals for redemption and health, how to use mindfulness, defusion, and values on repeat to start to shift away from unhealthy patterns. “If we were vampires