Practical Guide

(Parenting Part 1) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Psychologist, Professor, Pat Tillman Military Scholar. To develop the tools and skills to start growing in your parenting, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE ap Just this week, I did the thing that I hate…again. I lost my patience with my preteen daughter. She was running late, again, searching frantically for a missing school project she’d assured me was already packed, and her frustration was mounting by the second. Her attitude was sharper than I was ready to handle, and soon enough, I found myself mirroring her frustration, raising my voice in a back-and-forth that left us both upset and hurt. After I dropped her off at school, I sat in the car, feeling the weight of my words and actions. My thoughts were reeling… This is not the parent or person I want to be. Like most parents, I want to show up with patience, empathy, and compassion, no matter what my daughter is going through. I want to be a stable force in the storm, to create and cultivate a home base made of warmth, connection, and love. I want to look back on these years with pride, knowing I did my best to guide her by example, not just words. In truth, I deviate from this aspirational vision more often than I’d like to admit. And… from 15 years of clinical practice with humans, parents, and the children of parents—I know that you do too. In response, I developed REWIRE as a set of skills and tools to help parents get unstuck from unhealthy patterns and loops. These negative loops and patterns consist of emotions, thoughts, and reactive behaviors that lead us to veer between permissive and authoritarian parenting “ditches.” Today, I’m kicking off the first in a four-essay series on parenting, from the philosophy of REWIRE. I’m writing for parents-to-be, and parents of kids across the age spectrum, from infancy and early childhood (0-9) to preteens (10-13), teenagers (14-18), emerging adults (18-25), and adulthood (26 and beyond). Today’s focus is on practical actions that can start improving your parenting approach right now. Let’s jump in. Defining a Values-Led Approach to Parenting Parenting with purpose begins by getting clear on what truly matters to us. It’s a commitment to a way of being that prioritizes intentionality over reaction. When we identify and anchor ourselves in core values—whether that’s kindness, resilience, patience, or honesty—these principles become our guideposts, especially in those heat-of-the-moment challenges. Here’s how we can build a values-led parenting framework to make our precious time with our kids more intentional, our actions more aligned, and our connection with our children deeper and more fulfilling for the long haul. 1. Define Your Core Parenting Values Values act as a compass when we’re faced with the rough terrain of parenting. Reflecting on what matters most—kindness, resilience, honesty, respect—enables us to shape a parenting style that mirrors our ideal selves. Take some time to choose 3-5 values that you’d like to embody as a parent. Ask yourself: This list of values becomes a foundation for how we approach difficult moments with our children, whether they’re tantrums, boundary-testing, broken trust, or times when we feel spread too thin. By defining our values, we create a touchstone that we can return to time and time again. When in doubt, act a value out. 2. Choose Actions that Reflect Your Values Once our values are clear, the next step is to align our actions with them. Each interaction, big or small, is an opportunity to model these values for our children. Here are a few practical examples: With every small action rooted in our values, we reinforce what matters most. This process isn’t about perfection but about consistently striving to reflect the qualities we want to see in ourselves and our children. The philosophy of REWIRE is about building the presence of mind to view each interaction as an opportunity to honestly evaluate how close or far you are from alignment. Expect misalignment—it’s actually the natural state—and use it to recalibrate. REWIRE is designed to break you out of unproductive patterns of self-condemnation and the ongoing surprise of failing to live up to your values. Join the club of parents everywhere who struggle with values alignment… it’s not a terminal condition, nor is it abnormal. However, it is something you can change. So, accept, expect, and be vigilant for misalignment, which is the fundamental loop that REWIRE puts you on to hone the skill of aligning your actions with your values and goals for yourself and your child. It’s hard work at first, but parents quickly get the hang of this. 3. Stay Grounded and Centered in the Emotional Roller Coaster Our kids, across the spectrum of development from infancy to emerging adulthood, experience emotions intensely. It’s almost cliché to equate this with riding a rollercoaster of highs and lows. As parents, we’re often right there with them, feeling their excitement, fear, frustration, or disappointment. In these moments, it’s easy to get swept up, reacting from a place of impulse rather than intention. Here’s where values become invaluable. When emotions run high, values provide a grounding force. Instead of responding impulsively to our child’s emotional ups and downs, we can center ourselves by slowing down and revisiting our core values—kindness, patience, resilience—to find our footing. This internal recalibration allows us to become a steady, centered resource for our child, helping them ride through their own emotional turbulence without letting it derail us. By choosing to remain grounded, we model stability and resilience, teaching them by example how to navigate intense emotions constructively. For instance, when a teenager is venting frustration and seems unreachable, we can focus on a core value such as compassion. Or when your 6-year-old is stubbornly immovable and emoting strongly about some perceived injustice, you can balance a response with empathy (validation of the emotion) and honesty (re-grounding your 6-year-old in a reframe focused on the rational truth of what really transpired).