Your Story and Sense of Self Matter in Your Marriage

(Marriage Part 2)

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app

Humans are natural storytellers. From one perspective, when we scale out to the history of the universe, our existence seems insignificant and fleeting. However, within our lives, our relationships, and the time we share with those we love, our lives are profoundly meaningful. We don’t just live and die; we create stories that shape our motivation, identity, and sense of purpose. Against the backdrop of a universe that scarcely notices our existence, we find meaning, perhaps because of our smallness. This ability to create meaning is one of humanity’s greatest strengths, and deep commitments, especially in marriage, are a vital source of that meaning. Jason Isbell, one of my favorite songwriters, expresses this beautifully (see his quote at the end of this post).

Today’s post is the second in a four-part series on how REWIRE approaches marriage. REWIRE is an intervention I’ve been developing and refining over the past six years. Rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, it places social relationships at the heart of a flourishing life. Evidence shows that REWIRE enhances quality of life, mental health, and well-being through deeper engagement in meaningful relationships.

I’m writing for those who want to improve their marriages—whether you’re in a place of crisis, strength, or somewhere in between. I’m also writing for individuals considering marriage or preparing to commit to their partner. This content is also for therapists and counselors who work with couples or individuals. And if you’re someone grieving or processing the end of an important relationship, I hope this helps you too.

In the first marriage essay, I laid out what a healthy marriage mindset looks like (rewirewellness.co/2024/10/09/a-healthy-marriage-mindset-enjoyment-growth/). Today, we’ll focus on how the stories we tell about ourselves and our marriages form the foundation for growth.

The Story of Your Marriage Matters

Marriage can be a cornerstone relationship, giving our lives meaning. When something is important, we naturally create stories around it. Marriage, whether we realize it or not, is built on an ever-evolving narrative—about the when, why, and how.

Think about it: when meeting a new couple or getting to know someone, one of the first questions we often ask is, “How did you two meet?” We ask because marriage stories are deeply meaningful, ancient human expressions that ground our lives in connection and purpose. They show us whether our values align and guide us toward deeper bonds.

Two types of narratives often emerge: redemption and contamination.

• Redemption narratives follow a pattern of something good, turning challenging, and then becoming good again. These stories encourage effort, engagement, and resilience, holding hope even in the face of difficulty.

• Contamination narratives, on the other hand, tell a story of something good turning bad and staying bad. They drive us toward self-protection and withdrawal, preventing us from engaging in healthy conflict or resolving friction.

A contamination narrative sounds like, “It’s bad and it will stay bad, so why try? This is hopeless” But a redemption narrative says, “It’s good, and though challenging, we can make it good again.”

REWIRE encourages asking these fundamental questions about the stories we live by:

• Are you operating out of a redemption narrative in your marriage?

• What about in other areas of your life (work, parenting, friendships)?

• Is a contamination narrative driving parts of your marriage?

• Are you hedging toward failure by protecting yourself instead of engaging fully?

Let me be clear: this isn’t about ignoring real pain or pretending everything is fine. Pain and disappointment in marriage are real, and REWIRE starts by acknowledging that. Starting from an honest position that accepts the challenges as they are is a critical foundation for this work. But alongside this validation and acceptance, REWIRE hedges on hope—the hope for redemption, which motivates us to put in the hard work of change, self-reflection, and growth.

Building Your Sense of Self

When marriages tip into the danger zone, I start seeing a few emotional patterns: co-dependence and complete emotional separation. The goal is to find a middle path where both partners can be independent but still deeply connected.

• Co-dependence happens when your sense of well-being depends entirely on your spouse’s mood or validation. This creates an unhealthy dynamic because no one is consistently able to meet all your emotional needs.

• Complete separation occurs when you are emotionally distant, unable to share in your spouse’s joys or struggles. People often retreat to this state after the pain of co-dependence becomes too overwhelming.

Let’s begin with co-dependence. On this side, your emotional well-being is tightly linked to your spouse’s state. This can become problematic since, on any given day, your spouse may be struggling, offering an unhelpful perspective, or simply not in a position to provide the validation you’re seeking. When your sense of being “okay” or “good” depends solely on your spouse’s emotional state or approval, you relinquish too much power. This dynamic is unsustainable, as it puts undue pressure on both partners and limits individual growth.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, total emotional separation leaves little room for mutual support. When we’re too distant, we fail to share in each other’s victories or be present during struggles. The knowledge your spouse has about who you are—the intimate insight they bring—becomes untapped potential for growth. This full separation often results from the pain of co-dependence, driving people to an extreme as they try to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed.

What’s ideal is balance. In the middle ground, where true emotional health resides, couples are:

• Empathetic & differentiated
• Connected & independent
• Supportive with boundaries

Achieving this balance requires cultivating identity and self-worth beyond the marriage itself. While your spouse’s opinion is valuable, it shouldn’t be the sole determinant of your choices. It’s a superpower to consider your spouse’s insight while still making independent decisions that reflect the bigger picture of your life. This balance invites honest, authentic feedback from your partner, as they feel safe knowing you can handle their input constructively.

Emotional balance also makes space for your spouse to move you emotionally—without overwhelming you. If you’re not emotionally fatigued or too dependent, you’ll be in a better place to support your spouse through their own struggles. Healthy emotional boundaries ensure that, even during their difficult times, you remain capable of offering the care and compassion that the journey of marriage demands.

Some questions to reflect on:

• When you’re struggling, can you accept your spouse’s support without feeling overwhelmed?
• Are you able to balance negative emotions while still caring for your spouse and other responsibilities?
• When your spouse offers critical feedback, does it break you, or can you process it with perspective?
• Have you built walls to protect yourself from your spouse, moving towards emotional separation?

REWIRE starts with a redemption narrative and encourages the development of self-worth and identity. By doing so, you can align more deeply with your values and goals within the marriage. Cultivating this sense of self will help you navigate the challenges that inevitably arise, while maintaining a deeper connection with your partner.

The skills in the Part 3 of this marriage series will lay out skills that can help improve you towards these goals for redemption and health, how to use mindfulness, defusion, and values on repeat to start to shift away from unhealthy patterns.

“If we were vampires and death was a joke

We’d go out on the sidewalk and smoke

Laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn’t feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I’ll work hard ’til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn’t me who’s left behind”

– Jason Isbell & Amanda Shires