Practical Actions and Skills to Change Your Marriage

(Marriage Part 3)

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app

Today’s post focuses on practical skills and actions for improving your marriage. This is the third essay in a four-part series on marriage using the REWIRE approach. REWIRE is an evidence-supported, scientifically designed, and tested intervention that places relationship connection at the core of our meaning and mental health.

I’m writing to those who want to improve their marriages, prepare wisely for marriage, those helping individuals and couples, and even people struggling to process the end of a failed marriage.

Part 1 laid out a healthy marriage mindset, based on a balanced approach of growth and enjoyment (link).
Part 2 explored how a redemption narrative and a healthy sense of self are fundamental to handling inevitable marital challenges (link).

Today, in Part 3, we get practical. We’re answering the question: How do I start to move toward improvement? If you’ve embraced the arguments in Parts 1 and 2, this section will help you figure out how to begin implementing change.

Skills for Intentional Actions that Drive Change

Now that we’ve established the importance of mindset, narrative, and self-connection, the next step is to actively improve your marriage using a values-based approach.

Committing to values-led behaviors is crucial for transforming your marriage into a source of healing and growth, rather than repeating stuck patterns driven by emotional reactions or habitual mental scripts. This is about aligning your actions with your aspirations for yourself and your marriage. The set of skills that underpin this alignment is transferable to all your relationships. We’re focusing on marriage in this series because marriage can be the starting point for these changes, which can then extend to other relationships and communities.

Let me add a critical caveat: while it’s helpful to do this work in harmony with your spouse, transformation can happen even when only one person initiates the change. It only takes one courageous person to start living by values, rather than reacting emotionally or being driven by negative thoughts or scripts.

Acting with Intention by Using Values as Your Compass

When we are driven by emotions like frustration, anger, or disappointment, or when we get stuck in our heads, we risk acting in ways that are inconsistent with our values. This creates cycles of disconnection and conflict that repeat endlessly.

REWIRE offers an alternative to this “stuckness” by teaching skills that help you ground your behaviors in your values—those deeper, guiding principles that shape who you aspire to be. This shift focuses on long-term goals of health and redemption in the marriage, rather than short-term emotional reactions or cyclical thinking. For example, if your values are compassion, respect, and honesty, pausing in a moment of frustration gives you an opportunity to choose a compassionate or honest behavior that fosters connection, rather than escalating conflict or withdrawing in frustration.

Values are powerful because they remain steady, even when emotions fluctuate or thoughts lead you astray. The definition of these values doesn’t change, unlike our internal states, which can pull us off course. Being driven by emotions or negative scripts opposes living by values and aspirations, which use redemptive scripts and healthy states.

The following three steps summarize the skills to ground your marriage in values-led actions:

1. Accept and expect that you contribute to both healthy and unhealthy patterns in your marriage. Acknowledge this without despair. You’re part of a community of people committed to self-reflection and honesty, moving toward a meaningful life. By accepting that you bring unhealthiness to your marriage, you take control of the only part of the relationship equation you can control—yourself.
2. Notice when you are acting (or at risk of acting) in ways misaligned with your values and goals. We all engage in unhealthy patterns in our marriages, but to change these patterns, we must first recognize them in real-time.
3. Recalibrate one single action. Move away from a habitual reaction that keeps you stuck, toward a values-led action that advances your relationship in a healthier direction. Act in line with what you hope for, rather than what your emotional or cognitive patterns dictate.

The goal is that, with practice, you’ll use these simple steps to engage in your marriage in healthier ways and break patterns that don’t align with your aspirations. These skills can be used in real-life situations, even when emotions are running high or negative thoughts are loud.

Two Skills That Give You the Power to Choose Change

Aligning your actions with your values requires two REWIRE skills: mindfulness and defusion.

REWIRE Skill 1: Mindfulness
Mindfulness develops the ability to slow down and notice when emotions arise or when old, stuck scripts are playing in the background. By taking a deep breath and noticing what’s happening in your body, thoughts, and environment, you can ground yourself in the present moment.

Some automatic, stuck scripts might sound like:

• “Here we go again… nothing ever changes with her.” This reflects a mindset that views the relationship as permanently stuck in a negative pattern.
• “He doesn’t care how I feel; he’s just gathering ammo to win the argument.” This thought can lead to emotional withdrawal, preventing open communication.
• “This is just another example of how he’s wrong and I’m always fixing things.” This self-righteous script positions the spouse as the continual problem.
• “I should have known better; she never listens.” This reflects a contamination narrative, suggesting that positive outcomes are out of reach.

Without mindfulness of that these common scripts are playing, we fall into repetitive patterns that prevent change. Acknowledging these patterns gives you the power to make new choices.

REWIRE Skill 2: Defusion
Defusion is the ability to look at and evaluate your thoughts, rather than looking from them. First, notice the thought (using mindfulness). Then, separate from it and observe it as it passes by. Defusion helps you detach from your thoughts and emotions, instead of acting as though they define you, and therefore must be “authentically” acted upon. For example, feeling hurt or angry doesn’t mean you’re a fragile or angry person. You are having hurt or angry thoughts, but they don’t dictate your identity. You have a choice other than a hurt or angry reaction that may actually align with your desired self and goals. When you separate from these thoughts, you can choose values-led actions.

Committing to Actions That Promote Redemption and Growth

By slowing down, noticing your reactions, and separating from them, you give yourself a choice.

What you do with that choice is crucial: your next action or words could align with your values, not be ruled by your emotions or thoughts. Mindfulness allows you to notice when emotions arise, and defusion allows you to observe them without letting them define you. Together, these skills provide the space to act in line with your values, fostering redemption and growth.

As you read this, I encourage you to identify 3-5 aspirational values that you can use to measure your behavior in your marriage. Scroll to the end of this post for a list of values to pick from.

Remember, you won’t live out your values perfectly—and that’s okay. The key is to accept that you will struggle to align your behavior with your values. Your job is not to focus on how external forces (such as your spouse) inhibit your values, but to notice misalignment and choose a values-led action.

For example, if you choose patience, authenticity, and honesty as your core values, here’s how those values might manifest during a conflict:

• Listen patiently, even when your instinct is to defend yourself.
• Offer a genuine apology if you’ve caused hurt, even if you feel hurt too.
• Express vulnerability by sharing your feelings, rather than shutting down or blaming.

These actions help to foster a redemption narrative in your marriage. Even if the journey is challenging, repeating this process can create a new pattern over time. Committing to values-led actions lays the foundation for hope, healing, and growth, making change possible.

Leading the Way Through Individual Effort

Remember, in many cases, one spouse may be more motivated to work on the marriage than the other. While it’s ideal for both spouses to commit to shared values, real progress can still be made when one person leads. Acting in alignment with your values can create an environment that encourages your spouse to join you in this journey.

One partner courageously acknowledging their role in unhealthy patterns, taking responsibility, and moving toward redemption can change the trajectory of a marriage. REWIRE isn’t about fixing your partner; it’s about focusing on your role in the relationship. Whether your spouse reciprocates immediately or not, the work you do will lead to personal growth and fulfillment. Often, when one person commits to values-led action, it inspires the other to follow.

Small Actions, Big Impact

Redemption in marriage isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about small, daily choices. Kindness, patience, and respect during difficult moments build trust over time. Here are a few examples:

• Show up: Be present during tough conversations.
• Repair well: Reconnect and repair after conflict without letting resentment linger.
• Stay committed: Focus on long-term goals, even when emotions tell you to give up.
• Pursue positive experiences: Create pleasant moments with your spouse, from sharing coffee to exploring new hobbies together.

By consistently choosing values-led actions, you shift from a contamination narrative—where things inevitably worsen—to a redemption narrative, where hardships lead to growth and deeper connection.