(Parenting Part 3)
By Dr. Andrew Smith, Dad, Husband, Pat Tillman Military Scholar, Therapist, Professor, Researcher, Relationship Expert
For those ready to dive deeper into building resilient relationships and crafting a redemptive narrative for your family, check out the REWIRE Free Guide and the REWIRE App—tools designed to support you in creating intentional, transformative connections.
Human beings are storytellers. Across cultures and eras, storytelling has been our primary way of conveying values, beliefs, and history. In ancient Greece, for example, myths were more than just entertainment; they were a way to pass down essential values about heroism, resilience, and morality. The myth of Theseus and the Minotaur taught young listeners about bravery, sacrifice, and the complexities of facing personal fears.
In much the same way, as modern parents, we pass down our own narratives to our children. Each story—whether a casual anecdote, a lesson, or simply entertainment—becomes part of a collection that shapes our children’s sense of identity and worldview. Through these narratives, they develop a “theory” of who we are, what we value, and how they should see themselves and others. By examining the stories we reinforce—especially those of redemption or contamination—we can shape a lasting impact on our children’s sense of self and their resilience in relationships, a central tenet in the REWIRE approach.
This essay is part of a four-part series on parenting, offering a holistic approach to shaping strong, healthy families. Each entry explores essential elements of parenting: practical tools to improve relationships, cultivating a healthy parenting mindset, fostering a positive self-identity, and, in this installment, using storytelling and narrative to help our children navigate life’s challenges. Together, these elements offer a comprehensive roadmap for intentional parenting, aligned with the REWIRE framework.
Redemption and Contamination Narratives: Two Paths
Our personal life stories often fall into patterns that psychologists call “redemption” and “contamination” narratives. A redemption narrative is one where difficult situations ultimately lead to growth, resilience, or positive change—a journey from adversity to triumph. In contrast, a contamination narrative views challenges as evidence of inevitable failure or ongoing hardship, where setbacks or pain seem insurmountable.
As parents, we’re often unaware of which narrative we’re reinforcing with our children. Yet, these narratives are powerful lenses that shape how they interpret their own lives and challenges. Are we helping them see difficulties as temporary and surmountable? Or are we, even unintentionally, modeling a story where obstacles are final, and relationships are fragile? Through the REWIRE approach, parents can become more mindful of these patterns, making intentional choices about the narratives they pass down.
Modeling a Redemption Narrative in Parenting
A redemption narrative emphasizes resilience, grit, and hope. In this framework, we show our children that setbacks are a natural part of life and learning. For example, if a child experiences failure in school or a conflict with friends, we can help them see these struggles as opportunities to learn and grow. Critical life skills like responsibility, apologizing, and seeking reconciliation come from challenge, struggle, and mistakes. Rather than focusing solely on the negative aspects of the situation, we can encourage them to reflect on what they’ve learned and how they can approach similar situations differently in the future.
Holding onto hope is not always intuitive or easy, especially when life throws a series of challenges our way—financial strain, loss, job stress, or difficult relationships. There are days when encouraging a child to see the positive side feels at odds with our own weariness. Yet, in these moments, we have a unique opportunity to model resilience by acknowledging that hope isn’t always a given; sometimes, it’s a choice we make. It requires faith that we will rise from hardship and challenge again and again.
Consider the difference between saying, “This was a tough experience, but it’s something we can work through together,” versus, “This always seems to happen—it seems like you just can’t get it right.” In the first, we show our children that while life is sometimes hard and uncertain, we have the strength to persist. Acknowledging the difficulty of this mindset can actually strengthen its impact, teaching children that resilience is not about ignoring struggles but about facing them with courage.
REWIRE encourages parents to ground themselves in their personal values and goals, which allows more consistent and effective modeling of hope—especially when it’s challenging. This teaches children that setbacks don’t define us; they grow us, and we aren’t alone in navigating difficult situations. It shows them they are capable of growth and change, and that relationships and setbacks are not permanent markers of failure.
Breaking Patterns of Divorce and Abandonment: A Heroic Legacy of Resilience
For many families, cycles of divorce, abandonment, or broken relationships are painful patterns that repeat across generations. It takes intentionality and honesty to break this cycle. I’ve seen clients do it—choosing instead to construct new narratives for their families rooted in commitment, resilience, and transformation. These parents are heroes, refusing to let history and fear of collapse dictate the future of their families. Breaking these cycles requires intentionality, focus, and a clear sense of purpose.
For parents actively working to break free from a legacy of relational disrepair, grounding in a redemption narrative becomes an essential act of courage. It involves consciously embracing a new model of relationships—one built on hope, resilience, and the possibility of lasting connection. Rather than reinforcing stories of inevitable disappointment, they focus on narratives where relationships can endure, evolve, and flourish. They take pride in showing their children that relationships can be strong and supportive, and that overcoming challenges can make families even stronger.
The journey to break historical patterns is never simple, but the impact is profound. Children who grow up seeing their parents intentionally build a healthier family story learn that love and commitment are possible, even in the face of adversity. This work requires vigilance, empathy, and a willingness to do things differently. These parents show their children that they are capable of creating relationships based on trust and kindness rather than fear, self-protection, and abandonment. It is a challenging but transformative gift—one that leaves a legacy of resilience for future generations.
For Parents Already Navigating Separation or Divorce
For those already parenting in the wake of a separation or divorce, a redemption narrative is even more essential. Although the family unit has changed, a new story can still be written—one that affirms that relationships can be resilient and that love is still a foundation, even after loss. In this context, a redemption narrative does not erase the pain of divorce or separation but reframes it as an opportunity to grow, heal, and redefine family.
Parents in this position can model for their children that even after a painful split, relationships with both parents can continue in healthy, respectful ways. When parents choose to honor each other’s roles in the child’s life, they demonstrate a commitment to the child’s well-being above personal conflicts. They show their children that while some relationships change, they can still evolve into something supportive, loving, and stable.
This act of creating a redemptive narrative in co-parenting requires profound intentionality. It involves letting go of resentment, fostering open communication, and building a collaborative relationship for the sake of the child. When parents can manage this, they offer their children a powerful lesson: even when things fall apart, we can choose to rebuild in a way that brings healing and new possibilities. The story of separation becomes not a mark of failure but a low point from which resilience and adaptability emerge.
Practical Ways to Foster Redemptive Storytelling with Children
Building a redemptive narrative for our children doesn’t require ignoring the reality of difficulties. In fact, acknowledging the full range of their emotions—both positive and negative—is critical. Here are some practical ways to model a redemptive perspective in daily interactions with children:
- Normalize Struggle: Let children know that setbacks are part of life and growth. Share examples from your own life when a hard time led to growth or positive change, reinforcing that hardship can be meaningful.
- Frame Challenges as Opportunities: When a child faces a problem, ask questions like, “What could you learn from this?” or “How could you handle this if it happens again?” Help them see challenges as learning experiences that strengthen their resilience.
- Practice Reflection Together: Take time to look back on the day or week and discuss positive and challenging moments. Ask your child what they enjoyed, what was hard, and what they would do differently next time. Reflecting in this way fosters an openness to growth and learning.
- Encourage Gratitude: Encourage children to find gratitude even during hard times. A simple, “What was something good that happened today?” or “What’s something you’re thankful for?” helps them see the positive aspects of life, even when things are difficult.
- Model Vulnerability and Repair in Relationships: When we make mistakes or experience conflict with our children, model apologizing and making amends. This reinforces that relationships can withstand difficult moments and grow stronger through them.
Passing Down a Legacy of Resilience
The way we tell stories to our children—about ourselves, our family, and the world—has a lasting impact. By embracing and modeling a redemption narrative, we encourage our children to see life as a series of growth opportunities rather than a series of insurmountable obstacles. We teach them that they can face challenges with resilience, view relationships as sources of enduring support, and ultimately, see themselves as capable of navigating life’s ups and downs.
Every story we tell has the power to shape the way our children interpret their own lives. By focusing on narratives of hope and transformation, we can pass down a legacy of resilience, compassion
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