John’s Story
When John came home after two combat tours, he thought the hardest days were behind him. In the military, his life had been defined by trust and purpose. His unit felt like a family—one built on mutual reliance and shared goals. But civilian life felt like a different planet. Small talk at parties didn’t compare to the life-and-death bonds he’d formed with his comrades. Work seemed like a pointless grind. Even with family around, he felt completely alone.
John started pulling back from the people who cared about him. He told himself, “They don’t get it. They can’t understand.” The disconnection grew, and so did his anger. The camaraderie and meaning he’d known in the military felt like something he’d never find again.
John’s story is one I’ve seen many times, both as a combat veteran myself and as a psychologist who’s worked with veterans for over 15 years. It’s also deeply personal to me because I’ve lived that struggle, too. But this sense of alienation isn’t the end of the story—it’s the start of a new mission.
The Roots of Alienation
When you serve in the military, everything feels bigger than you. You’re part of something important, working shoulder-to-shoulder with people who’d lay down their lives for you. Those bonds aren’t just strong—they’re life-sustaining. But when you leave the military, that all disappears overnight. Civilian life feels fragmented. People seem more interested in their phones than in building real connections. Workplaces often reward competition over teamwork. And the depth of relationships? It’s just not the same.
This is where so many veterans feel like they hit a wall. The world you return to doesn’t match the one you left behind. Many vets respond by withdrawing, becoming cynical to protect themselves from feeling let down. It’s a survival instinct, but it comes at a cost. That shield of cynicism can make it even harder to trust and connect with others, trapping you in a cycle of isolation¹.
A Mismatch Between What Veterans Want and What They Get
Here’s a staggering fact: 96% of veterans seeking treatment for PTSD say their main reason for getting help is to repair their relationships². Think about that for a moment. It’s not the flashbacks or nightmares that bring most vets to therapy—it’s the desire to reconnect with loved ones. They want to fix broken relationships, be better partners, and feel close to their kids again. That’s what matters most.
But here’s the problem: what veterans want and what they get are often two very different things. Instead of getting help to rebuild those relationships, most veterans are offered treatments that focus on symptoms. You’re feeling disconnected from your spouse? Here’s a diagnosis of PTSD and a prescription for anxiety medication. Sure, these treatments can help in some ways, but they often don’t address the deeper human need for connection. They don’t address the veteran’s original reason for coming for help in the first place.
Mental health care suffers from a medicalized bias. The organizing center of mental “health” treatment is actually illness (ironically, not health at all). The focus has been on diagnosing, medicating, and reducing symptoms—things that are measurable and billable. But research across fields like public health and psychology shows that relationships are the foundation of well-being. Social connection buffers against stress, reduces suicide risk, and even helps mitigate symptoms of PTSD and depression³,⁴,⁵. When mental health care focuses solely on illness, it misses the opportunity to provide something that is a deep need in our culture right now: connection.
This disconnect isn’t just an oversight—it’s a missed opportunity. Prioritizing social connection not only aligns with veterans’ expressed values but also creates benefits that ripple outward: reduced loneliness, improved mental health, enhanced quality of life, decreased risk for suicide, and even decreased reliance on an overburdened healthcare system⁶.
Making Relationships the Centerpiece of Healing
This is where the Rewire approach comes in. It’s built on a simple but powerful idea: healing centers on relationships and connection, not disease and illness. Instead of treating relationships as an afterthought, Rewire puts them front and center. It recognizes that what veterans want—better relationships and social connection—isn’t just a personal goal. It’s also the most effective and sustainable path to mental health and resilience.
Rewire focuses on building meaningful relationships by helping veterans reconnect with their values. What kind of partner, parent, or friend do you want to be? What actions can you take to align with that vision? It’s not about waiting for others to change or for life to get easier. It’s about taking purposeful steps toward the relationships that matter most.
This approach is backed by research. Studies show that social support can amplify the benefits of traditional PTSD treatments and help reduce symptoms over time⁷. More importantly, veterans who rebuild strong social networks often report feeling a renewed sense of purpose and belonging⁸. And that’s what makes this work so powerful. It doesn’t just help veterans survive—it helps them thrive.
Finding Meaning in Connection
Veterans know how to lead. In the military, you learn to put the mission above yourself, to work as part of a team. Those same skills are just as valuable in civilian life. In fact, your community needs the leadership around teamwork and removing the self from the center of the universe. Reconnecting with your sense of purpose can transform how you approach relationships, and transform the community around you. It’s not about seeing military service as the peak of your life but as preparation for the impact you can have now—in your family, community, and beyond.
This isn’t about being perfect. Relationships are messy, and healing takes time. But the effort is worth it. When you align your actions with your values, you not only strengthen your relationships—you rediscover who you are. You find the courage to show up fully, even when it’s hard. And in doing so, you create a life that feels meaningful again.
Looking Ahead: The Next Steps
In this essay, I’m laying out the “why” for Rewire as a useful approach for veterans trying to live joyful and meaningful lives after military service…why relationships matter and why reconnecting with them is the key to thriving after military service. In a follow-up piece, I’ll share the how. We’ll dive into practical strategies to build emotional regulation, foster connection, and take meaningful actions in your relationships.
Because the truth is, the mission isn’t over. It’s just changed. And now, it’s about bringing your courage, leadership, and resilience into the next chapter of your life. You’re not alone in this. Together, we can rewrite the story and create a future where connection is at the heart of everything we do.
Bibliography
- Smith, A. J., Weisenbach, S. L., & Jones, R. T. (2018). Cynicism among veterans who struggle to adapt to life after combat: Towards an understanding of adaptive functions and maladaptive consequences. Traumatology, 24(1), 17.
- Sayer, N. A., Carlson, K. F., & Frazier, P. A. (2010). Reintegration challenges in U.S. service members and veterans following combat deployment. Social Issues and Policy Review, 4(1), 58-73.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Pietrzak, R. H., Johnson, D. C., Goldstein, M. B., Malley, J. C., & Southwick, S. M. (2010). Psychological resilience and postdeployment social support protect against traumatic stress and depressive symptoms. Depression and Anxiety, 27(8), 745-751.
- Vogt, D., Erbes, C. R., & Polusny, M. A. (2017). Relationship functioning and treatment outcomes in veterans with PTSD. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(3), 336-346.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Robles, T. F., & Sbarra, D. A. (2017). Advancing social connection as a public health priority in the United States. American Psychologist, 72(6), 517–530.
- Smith, A. J., Pincus, D., & Ricca, B. P. (2023). Targeting social connection in the context of trauma: Functional outcomes and mechanisms of change. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 28, 300-309.