5 Skills to Build Trust in Relationships

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Psychologist, Professor, Pat Tillman Military Scholar. To build the trust foundation in your relationships, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app

Trust is foundational to any healthy relationship—it’s the bedrock that allows us to feel safe, connected, and secure. In the REWIRE process, we take trust seriously. Rather than seeing trust as an all-or-nothing concept, REWIRE reframes it as multidimensional and ever-evolving. You can trust someone in one area while still working to build trust in another.

For example, you might trust your colleague to manage a big project but hesitate to share personal challenges with them. Or, in another case, a soldier might trust their fellow veterans to protect them in battle but not feel confident handing them their newborn child.

Perhaps you are someone or in a relationship with someone whom previous relationships have involved severe instances of betrayed trust, by a romantic partner or a parent or a friend. And you are carrying this history of mistrust with you into the future, and trust becomes a hard earned and fragile thing.

Flexible thinking about trust as multidimensional, buildable, and an ever-evolving capacity between two people is crucial to understanding how we build, assess, and improve trust in our relationships. By seeing trust as a gradient, we can take more specific actions to strengthen it.

Here are five essential skill areas to help you build and maintain trust in your relationships.

1. Communication: Vulnerability and Validation

Trust begins with honest communication. It takes courage to express our feelings, needs, and experiences, especially when they make us vulnerable. Sharing openly allows others the opportunity to meet us where we are. However, many people avoid vulnerability out of fear—what if our needs aren’t met with empathy?

There are of course reasons for not doing this—it’s downright painful to have some respond to your honesty without empathy. That’s why vulnerability takes courage, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past and trend towards self-protection.

Being emotionally honest with one another creates a strong foundation for trust. This involves sharing your feelings, needs, and experiences without manipulating the response of the other person​​. Honest communication, even about difficult topics, helps reinforce mutual respect and understanding. And it helps hard experiences that you are having to emerge so that you can start working on them with the help of another person.

For example, if your partner says they feel neglected, it’s more productive to acknowledge their feelings—“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way”—rather than jumping into a defense of your actions. This allows trust to flourish because it prioritizes emotional honesty over the need to be “right.”

2. Actions: Aligning Behavior with Core Values

Talk is important, but actions are even more crucial when building trust. People learn to trust us when we do what we say we’ll do, and this starts with grounding our actions in our core values. Living in alignment with values like honesty, reliability, and compassion makes us predictable and trustworthy.

For example, if you value responsibility, that means showing up when you say you will—whether it’s for a meeting, a family commitment, or even just a small favor. Trust is built incrementally through everyday actions that demonstrate reliability and care.

However, REWIRE takes a nuanced wrinkle to this “living up to our values” and “doing what you say” adage. You are sure to fail to do this all of the time. The key part of trust building through the REWIRE approach is for you to be mindful of when your actions are not aligned with your values. We all fall short at times, whether it’s breaking a promise, failing to follow through on a commitment, betraying a value, or reacting in ways that don’t reflect who we aspire to be. When we aren’t acting in alignment with our values, trust issues aren’t far behind—both in how others experience us and how we see ourselves.

Being aware of these moments of misalignment is essential for trust-building. Your ability to build insight into this is key. If you can identify when you’ve strayed from our values, or when you are having an emotion or thought that might cause you to stray from your values, you have the opportunity to correct course. This might involve acknowledging our missteps, apologizing sincerely, and committing to do better. For example, if you value honesty but catch yourself hiding something from a partner, acknowledging this and addressing it head-on can prevent trust from eroding.

It’s not about being perfect but about being willing to notice when you’re not, and re-calibrate back towards your aspirational self. By staying attuned to where we fall short, and taking responsibility when we do, we show others that we are genuinely committed to acting in alignment with our values, which reinforces trust over time.

3. Conflict Resolution: Addressing Issues with Empathy

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but the way we handle it can either build or erode trust. In the REWIRE approach, conflict resolution is seen as a critical moment where trust can be deepened through empathy, shared understanding, and collaborative problem-solving.

The REWIRE philosophy emphasizes that during conflict, we need to resist the instinct to either avoid the issue or turn it into a battle of winners and losers. Instead, conflicts should be approached as opportunities to stand side by side, working together against the problem rather than against each other. This requires a fundamental shift in mindset—one that assumes the best of the other person and focuses on collaboration rather than blame.

When conflicts arise, it’s easy to become defensive, focusing on protecting our own viewpoint or dismissing the other person’s feelings. But trust grows when both people can engage with the issue empathetically. This means actively listening to the other person’s concerns, validating their feelings, and expressing your own needs without attacking or blaming.

For example, if a conflict arises about how much time you’re spending with friends versus your partner, instead of responding defensively with “I don’t see the problem,” a REWIRE-based approach might involve acknowledging their feelings: “I hear that you feel like I’m not prioritizing our time together, and I can understand why that would hurt.” This shifts the conversation toward understanding, laying the groundwork for trust to deepen even in the face of disagreement.

The REWIRE approach also encourages seeing conflict as part of the natural flow of relationships, rather than something to be feared. Conflicts, when handled constructively, actually offer a history of resolution, showing that you can work through difficult situations together. Each successfully resolved conflict builds a foundation of trust because it proves that your relationship can withstand challenges, and both of you are committed to finding solutions.

Moreover, healthy conflict resolution builds a sense of emotional safety—the idea that even when things go wrong, you can both trust that the other person will stay engaged and work toward repair. This emotional safety is a cornerstone of trust. Knowing that you can approach difficult conversations without fear of emotional withdrawal or retaliation fosters a deeper bond.

In summary, resolving conflict through empathy, collaboration, and shared problem-solving reinforces the message that you value the relationship and are committed to its growth. Over time, this strengthens the trust that, no matter what obstacles come up, you are both in it together and working to maintain a healthy connection.

4. Supporting Growth and Change: Embracing the Evolution of Relationships

Trust also involves embracing change. Over time, people grow, evolve, and go through personal transformations. A trust-eroding approach says, “You’re changing, and I don’t like it.” But a trust-building approach says, “I trust your character and your commitment to me, even though I don’t know exactly where this change will lead.”

Supporting each other’s personal growth is vital in long-lasting relationships. When both people feel free to evolve and know their partner will still be there for them, trust deepens. For example, if your partner decides to change careers or take up a new interest, showing support rather than skepticism builds trust in the relationship.

5. Collaborative Trust Plans: Rebuilding and Strengthening Trust Together

When trust has been damaged—whether by minor breaches or major ones like infidelity—rebuilding it can seem daunting. In these situations, creating a collaborative trust plan can help both parties feel secure as they work toward rebuilding trust. This involves setting clear goals for communication, actions, and boundaries, and being willing to be held accountable.  

For instance, if your trust in your partner has been shaken, a collaborative trust plan might involve agreeing to specific actions, like regular check-ins or setting new boundaries around communication. These plans work best when both people are on board and committed to rebuilding the relationship, and when the person who is being asked to rebuild that trust takes responsibility.

Building trust in relationships is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. It requires vulnerability, consistent actions aligned with core values, healthy conflict resolution, openness to change, and transparency. By embracing these five essential skill areas, you can strengthen trust in your most important relationships, creating a deeper sense of security, connection, and peace.