Philosophy

(Marriage Part 1) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Among all the relationships we experience, marriage is truly unique. At times, it can be a source of deep pain, loneliness, and disappointment. At other times, marriage offers profound connection, security, and beauty. To add complexity, it can be both disappointing and beautiful at the same time. Beyond these emotional experiences, healthy marriages are rooted in a unique type of commitment, distinguishing them from other relationships. Marriage, at least in most of the Western world, is a voluntary, chosen commitment. This choice brings the potential for both unparalleled depth and vulnerability. Today, I’m starting a four part series on marriage, writing through the lens of REWIRE. REWIRE is a philosophy and treatment approach that I developed to empower people to strengthen their most central relationships. REWIRE is built on the foundation of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and has been tested, published in peer-reviewed literature, and supported by evidence. It offers an alternative to pathology-focused approaches that center around mental health diagnoses, illness, and disorders. Instead, REWIRE views relationships as a universal mechanism of health that we all need help with improving, to some extent. In the REWIRE approach, we are all co-travelers—struggling through life together—with the shared goal of building deeper health and resilience by improving our relationships. My hope is that this message is helpful to people in a variety of situations: those struggling in marriage, those in healthy marriages striving to maintain or grow, those preparing for deeper commitments, mentors or counselors of married couples, and those suffering in the aftermath of a failed marriage. The Vision for a Healthy Marriage: Standing Shoulder-to-Shoulder with a Shared Vision My wife’s 24/7 access to me was overwhelming at first, and sometimes still is. In marriage, it’s impossible to hide or show only the bright, shiny parts of yourself. Your spouse sees it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly. They have an intimate knowledge of both your potential to be a positive, healing force in the world and your potential for destruction. No one else gets a fuller picture of who you truly are. Your spouse has the potential to be someone who deeply understands your flaws and accepts you, which gives you the security and courage to change, grow, and try really hard things in the world. The superpower of marriage is having a partner who can guide you, critique you, walk alongside you, and encourage you. And, in return, you have the opportunity to do the same for them—serving and enriching your own life with meaning that comes only from committing to and supporting someone else. In my own marriage, and in my work with individuals and couples over the years, a vision of a healthy marriage has emerged: two people standing side by side, looking outward together towards a shared joy, purpose, mission, and future. Occasionally, they turn back to each other to smile and enjoy the fruits of their commitment. This vision is sustained through a combination of trust, commitment, and a mutual willingness to invest deeply in each other’s growth. It thrives on healthy conflict, the resolution of inevitable friction, and shared enjoyment and presence. This investment looks like accepting, sharpening, guiding, critiquing, encouraging, cautioning, and motivating each other in an ongoing, lifelong conversation. A full commitment to marriage, in this sense, can be described as: The Ditches Along the Road: Self-Fulfillment vs. Duty This shoulder-to-shoulder vision stands in stark contrast to two common pitfalls I see when marriages struggle. Imagine a road with ditches on either side. In Ditch 1, people view marriage as a self-fulfillment factory. For them, inconvenience, struggle, and pain in marriage become intolerable because they obstruct personal happiness or fulfillment. In Ditch 2, marriage is reduced to a logistical partnership, driven by duty and obligation, where basic enjoyment and pleasure are neglected and wither away amidst the daily tasks of life. Ditch 1: Marriage as a Happiness and Self-Fulfillment Machine This state is both common and dangerous. The vision of marriage in Ditch 1 resembles two people standing toe-to-toe, looking for ways to extract self-fulfillment from each other. Because the need for happiness is so intense, they often turn away from each other to seek that fulfillment elsewhere. In marriages like this, the careful ‘lifelong conversation’ meant to sharpen, guide, and encourage each other tips over into criticism and rejection. It becomes easy to find faults in your spouse and identify ways they detract from your personal happiness. Over time, this can lead to bitterness and a fixation on each other’s flaws, especially if the goal is to extract happiness from the marriage. If the goal of this intense focus on each other doesn’t lead to turning back to stand shoulder-to-shoulder, the relationship can crumble under the weight of unrealistic expectations. While it’s necessary at times to focus inward for rest and healing, remaining insular can prevent the connection and healing we need from friendships, hobbies, work, caring for our neighbors, and community. It’s important to remember that marriage, while deeply fulfilling, will fail if we look to our spouse as our sole source of happiness, connection, and fulfillment. Marriage and nuclear family cannot live up to this expectation. Ditch 2: Marriage as Pure Duty and Obligation In contrast, Ditch 2 involves an unbalanced focus on duty and obligation. In this scenario, marriage becomes a mechanical partnership, where the focus is solely on serving logistics without the joy and presence that make marriage meaningful. Without balancing duty with enjoyment, couples grow distant, losing the deep connection they once shared. Both ditches lead to weak foundations for marriage. In Ditch 1, marriage as a self-fulfillment machine is tragic because it sets up an unrealistic goal of happiness extraction, which can ultimately destroy the relationship. In Ditch 2, marriage as pure duty is equally tragic because it strips away the

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To improve your skills in these areas, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app We are constantly hearing about values—largely through organizations and companies promoting their business or mission statements. But values aren’t just for companies and marketing. They aren’t just buzzwords or corporate jargon. They can serve you as an individual like a compass—guiding your actions and shaping the direction of your life. This is especially true in something as complex, dynamic, and ever-evolving as relationships. Feeling Stuck or Lost? Use Your Values as a Compass Let me ask you something: Have you ever found yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed, like life is pulling you in a million directions? One moment you’re fine, and the next, everything feels chaotic. Or perhaps you get stuck in an emotion you don’t want to be stuck in. This is where your values come in. I’ve spent years researching how relationships play a pivotal role in our mental and emotional resilience. Reconnecting with values is an alternative to being guided and ruled by emotions and thoughts. When we are driven by emotions and thoughts, we fall into repetitive patterns that keep us stuck. Values, on the other hand, provide a benchmark for measuring behavior and choices, offering a clearer trajectory for growth and improvement. Values can steer you through difficult times, especially when challenges arise in relationships. The Role of Values in Relationships Core values can have a deep impact on relationships—perhaps more than we often realize. Values are principles that define who we aspire to be. Whether it’s honesty, kindness, perseverance, or loyalty, values are the foundation of how we interact with others. Here’s an example of how emotions and values differ fundamentally in a single interaction. Recently, my wife and I were discussing an important decision about one of our kids, and I felt like my voice wasn’t being heard. Before I knew it, I was raising my voice—something that doesn’t align with my values of gentleness and honesty. This is where the concept of a choice point comes into play: a critical moment where we can either let emotions drive our actions or use the moment to realign with our values. In my case, I had a choice: keep arguing or take a breath, acknowledge my frustration, and return to the values that matter most to me. Instead of falling into the familiar pattern of arguing about how we communicate, I could take responsibility for my emotions and move the conversation forward. Put another way, we could either get back to discussing the important decision we had to make as parents, or we could get stuck in an argument about how we were arguing. That small shift in perspective—recognizing that I could still act in accordance with my values, even in the heat of the moment—can begin to turn relationships in healthier directions. My choice was to apologize, acknowledge my frustration, and shift the conversation back to a place of mutual respect and understanding. Why Values Matter in High-Stakes Relationships This kind of situation isn’t unique. We all face moments in our closest relationships—whether with a spouse, child, friend, parent, or colleague—where emotions flare up. Values serve as a guide through these turbulent moments, helping us navigate emotional storms without losing our way. It’s easy to react impulsively when tensions run high. But when you take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I acting in line with the person I want to be?”—that’s where real transformation happens. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can choose a values-driven response. How many times do we need to react emotionally and feel sorry later before deciding there must be a different way? Turning Conflict into Connection In relationships, living by your values doesn’t just prevent arguments from escalating—it creates opportunities for deeper connection. In the example with my wife, I didn’t just stop a fight; I opened the door for us to communicate more honestly and empathetically. The same holds true for you. When you act in alignment with your values, you’re not only reducing distress, but you’re also fostering a stronger, more authentic connection with the people you care about. In fact, research consistently shows that values-based actions contribute to more fulfilling and resilient relationships. Next Steps: How to Use Values in Your Relationships Next time you’re in an emotionally charged situation, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: Takeaway: Relationships thrive when we act in accordance with our values, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection. By living through our values, we create a compass that keeps us on course, even when life gets tough.

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To learn more about how REWIRE can improve your relationships, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Over the past 15 years, I’ve been deeply immersed in studying and building psychological and community-level interventions, with a focus on three key areas: (1) social functioning and relationship health, (2) social cohesion and polarization in communities, and (3) how to live a more connected, joyful, and meaningful life. My work has led me to study how individuals—ranging from first responders and veterans to doctors, nurses, and ordinary folks—manage the chronic stress associated with their work. This has included an exploration of how stress and trauma reshape the ways we think about work, survival, and erode deeper connections with one anther. And how this further erodes meaning, beauty, joy, and presence to make life worth living. Over the last five years, this work has culminated in the development of an intervention I call RE-WIRE, designed to help individuals refocus their meaning and joy on values and relationships. I’ve successfully applied this approach to help hundreds of people, and my hope is to move it out of cloistered and low scalability academic research settings and into the public for broader good. Today, I’m writing about the context out of which I developed RE-WIRE was developed and what makes it such an effective approach. To provide a clear explanation, I’ll break it down into three parts: Part 1: The Fundamentals and Failures of Second-Wave CBT Second-wave CBT, which originated from the work of Aaron Beck in the 1970s and 1980s, quickly became the dominant model in psychotherapy. It revolutionized the field, and emerged in a time that tools and methods for better scientific rigor were available. Gold standards for treatment efficacy such as randomized controlled trials (RCTs) came into being and vogue, and provided opportunities to build rigorous evidence for the effectiveness of psychotherapy—much like pharmaceutical trials for psychiatric medications. In its simplest form, second-wave CBT is grounded in two core principles: Therapists are trained to help clients identify cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking, and replace them with more objective, reality-based thoughts. While this approach has provided many positive outcomes, it falls short in several critical areas, especially in the context of trauma treatment, where studies show a high rate of symptom persistence even after therapy. Problem 1: Waning Effectiveness Data from meta-analyses show that the positive effects of second-wave CBT have diminished over time, with studies like the Johnsen & Friborg (2015) analysis revealing a regression to the mean in therapeutic outcomes since 1977. Similarly, research by Steenkamp and colleagues (2015; 2020) revealed that up to to two-thirds of patients still had diagnosable conditions after receiving second-wave CBT, suggesting only partial improvements. Problem 2: Accessibility and Scalability Second-wave CBT is complicated and deals with very abstract and high minded concepts like “cognition.” It requires highly trained professionals, often with 21-23 years of education and specialized training through doctoral and postdoctoral work, making it difficult for the general public to access. With limited numbers of trained therapists, it’s unrealistic to think this approach is truly scalable to meet the growing mental health needs of the broader population. Further, even if we had all the demand for rigorously trained therapists met, both the financial cost and time burden to participate in these interventions is not feasible for most people. In other words, these are interventions for wealthy people with the money and time to spend.   Problem 3: Lack of Authenticity Traditional CBT places too much emphasis on cognition as the sole change mechanism, creating an imbalance in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist becomes the “expert,” while the patient is viewed as a “novice” in understanding their own life. The therapist is the purveyeor of “objective reality.” This dynamic can be disempowering, leading to resistance or dropout in therapy. Problem 4: Passivity By focusing primarily on thought restructuring, second-wave CBT can lead clients into a cycle of “thinking about thinking,” which can be fruitful, but just as often generates more rumination. In today’s world, where overthinking is already rampant, this approach may not be the most effective way to propel people toward actionable improvements. Part 2: The Evolution of Third-Wave CBT Third-wave CBT departs from the traditional emphasis on cognitive restructuring and instead focuses on values-based actions and behavior change. Rather than viewing distorted thinking as the primary issue, third-wave approaches emphasize living in alignment with personal values and goals, with therapy acting as a guide to achieving that alignment. In this model, patients—not therapists—define the targets for change, with the focus on behaviors rather than thoughts. Cognition is acknowledged as important but not the central driver of change. Instead of passively examining thoughts, patients engage in concrete actions aligned with their values, evaluating the success of those actions against personal goals, rather than an external “objective reality” defined by the therapist. For example, rather than asking, “How did your distorted thinking lead to anger?” a third-wave therapist might ask, “Was your behavior aligned with your values during that conflict? What action could have been more in line with your values next time?” This shift makes therapy more accessible, authentic, and action-oriented, addressing many of the shortcomings of traditional CBT. Part 3: Why RE-WIRE is Different RE-WIRE takes the principles of third-wave CBT and applies them specifically to relationships, which, in my experience, are the core concern for nearly all therapy clients. Relationship issues are not only the most common reason people seek therapy, but they are also one of the most universally supported protective factors in mental and physical health, with strong social ties linked to better outcomes in areas like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even chronic diseases. RE-WIRE was designed to fill the gap left by traditional therapies that often focus on individual pathology without explicitly addressing relationships. By focusing on key relationships—whether with a spouse, parent, child, or friend—RE-WIRE helps people reconnect to their values and act in