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By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar Marriage is one of the most significant commitments we make in life. While love is often the focus in conversations about marriage (and should be!), there are also deeper aspects to consider when you’re contemplating a lifelong commitment. Whether you’re preparing yourself for a more enduring commitment or are already in a serious relationship and thinking about marriage, today I’m discussing three areas to evaluate as you prepare: Character, History of Relationships, and the balance between Friendship and Attraction. I’m writing this from the perspective of REWIRE, a philosophy and treatment approach designed to foster healthy, meaningful relationships. REWIRE helps individuals at all stages of life—from young adults to those in long-term partnerships—understand and develop the skills needed for deep connection and fulfillment. Whether you’re considering marriage or navigating relationships at any developmental stage, REWIRE offers tools to build relationships grounded in trust, respect, mutual growth, and joy. For those preparing for marriage, these foundational principles are key to creating a lasting, resilient partnership. This is the fourth essay in a four-part series on marriage. In Part 1, I lay out the mindset for marriage (link). In Part 2, I discussed the importance of narrative and healthy identity for a thriving marriage (link). Part 3 covered practical actions for improving marriage (link). today, its all about evaluating three core areas to prepare for a long and fulfilling marriage. 1. Character: The Core of Who They Are When preparing for marriage, character should be at the top of your list. Character—not just personality or chemistry—determines how someone will act when life gets difficult. It’s easy to be in love when things are going smoothly, but the real test of a marriage comes when the unexpected happens: job loss, illness, family challenges, or personal failures. What to look for in someone’s character: It’s crucial to understand how your potential partner will respond when life gets challenging. Will they stick with you through tough times, or will they turn away or look for an escape? Moments of stress often reveal a person’s true character. Someone who shifts blame or refuses to take responsibility when things go wrong can create deep fissures in a marriage. On the other hand, a partner who is willing to own their mistakes and work through problems constructively will foster a marriage based on mutual trust and growth. Another aspect of character is how your partner behaves when you’re not around. Can you trust them to act with integrity? Trust isn’t just about physical faithfulness—it’s about knowing your partner will act according to their values, even when no one is watching. Questions to consider: Ultimately, marriage is about more than just compatibility; it’s about trust. And trust is built on the foundation of solid character, especially in difficult times. 2. History of Relationships: A Window Into Patterns The second area to examine is your partner’s history of close relationships. Past relationships—whether romantic, familial, or friendships—can offer valuable insights into how someone navigates connection, intimacy, and conflict. Understanding these patterns is crucial because many of them can resurface in a marriage. Conflict Resolution: One of the most important lessons you can learn from a partner’s past relationships is how they handle conflict. Disagreements are inevitable, but the way your partner deals with them is an indicator of how they’ll handle conflict in marriage. Do they avoid conflict, or are they willing to engage and resolve issues? Do they shift blame, or do they take responsibility for their role in the problem? Do they try to see the issue from others’ perspectives? If your partner has shown a pattern of learning and growth in their past relationships—taking responsibility, working toward solutions, and learning from their mistakes Forgiveness and Grace: A key component of examining someone’s history of relationships is understanding their capacity for forgiveness and grace. Long-term friendships and family relationships are often a testament to how well someone can handle conflict, extend grace, and repair relationships after hurt. Do they hold onto grudges, or are they able to let go and forgive when it’s necessary? Someone who demonstrates a consistent ability to forgive and work through difficult situations with others is likely to bring that same mindset to a marriage, which can be essential for long-term success. Commitment to Family: Another key aspect to explore is how your partner relates to their family. Our families are often our first and most formative relationships, and how your partner views and maintains these ties can give you important insights. Are they committed to staying connected to their family? Do they honor those relationships, even when it’s challenging, or do they distance themselves at the first sign of trouble? However, it’s important to note that maintaining boundaries with family is equally critical. There are situations—such as messy, traumatic, or toxic family dynamics—where the healthiest option may be setting strong boundaries, not remaining enmeshed with family members. This doesn’t mean a lack of commitment to relationships, but rather a commitment to personal well-being and healthy connection. A good sign is whether your partner is able to balance these boundaries thoughtfully while maintaining a sense of care and respect for family members. What to look for in their history: It’s not about having a perfect relationship history but understanding how your partner has grown from past experiences. Questions to consider: 3. Friendship and Attraction: Balancing Connection and Chemistry The third essential area is the balance between friendship and attraction. Physical attraction is an important part of any romantic relationship—it’s got to be there. But a marriage cannot be sustained on attraction alone. When the honeymoon phase fades, it’s the friendship—the shared respect, trust, and companionship—that holds a couple together. In a strong marriage, friendship is often the anchor. Being able to enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, support one another’s dreams, and simply be each other’s best friend creates a depth of connection that attraction alone can’t provide. What to look for in

(Marriage Part 3) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Today’s post focuses on practical skills and actions for improving your marriage. This is the third essay in a four-part series on marriage using the REWIRE approach. REWIRE is an evidence-supported, scientifically designed, and tested intervention that places relationship connection at the core of our meaning and mental health. I’m writing to those who want to improve their marriages, prepare wisely for marriage, those helping individuals and couples, and even people struggling to process the end of a failed marriage. Part 1 laid out a healthy marriage mindset, based on a balanced approach of growth and enjoyment (link).Part 2 explored how a redemption narrative and a healthy sense of self are fundamental to handling inevitable marital challenges (link). Today, in Part 3, we get practical. We’re answering the question: How do I start to move toward improvement? If you’ve embraced the arguments in Parts 1 and 2, this section will help you figure out how to begin implementing change. Skills for Intentional Actions that Drive Change Now that we’ve established the importance of mindset, narrative, and self-connection, the next step is to actively improve your marriage using a values-based approach. Committing to values-led behaviors is crucial for transforming your marriage into a source of healing and growth, rather than repeating stuck patterns driven by emotional reactions or habitual mental scripts. This is about aligning your actions with your aspirations for yourself and your marriage. The set of skills that underpin this alignment is transferable to all your relationships. We’re focusing on marriage in this series because marriage can be the starting point for these changes, which can then extend to other relationships and communities. Let me add a critical caveat: while it’s helpful to do this work in harmony with your spouse, transformation can happen even when only one person initiates the change. It only takes one courageous person to start living by values, rather than reacting emotionally or being driven by negative thoughts or scripts. Acting with Intention by Using Values as Your Compass When we are driven by emotions like frustration, anger, or disappointment, or when we get stuck in our heads, we risk acting in ways that are inconsistent with our values. This creates cycles of disconnection and conflict that repeat endlessly. REWIRE offers an alternative to this “stuckness” by teaching skills that help you ground your behaviors in your values—those deeper, guiding principles that shape who you aspire to be. This shift focuses on long-term goals of health and redemption in the marriage, rather than short-term emotional reactions or cyclical thinking. For example, if your values are compassion, respect, and honesty, pausing in a moment of frustration gives you an opportunity to choose a compassionate or honest behavior that fosters connection, rather than escalating conflict or withdrawing in frustration. Values are powerful because they remain steady, even when emotions fluctuate or thoughts lead you astray. The definition of these values doesn’t change, unlike our internal states, which can pull us off course. Being driven by emotions or negative scripts opposes living by values and aspirations, which use redemptive scripts and healthy states. The following three steps summarize the skills to ground your marriage in values-led actions: The goal is that, with practice, you’ll use these simple steps to engage in your marriage in healthier ways and break patterns that don’t align with your aspirations. These skills can be used in real-life situations, even when emotions are running high or negative thoughts are loud. Two Skills That Give You the Power to Choose Change Aligning your actions with your values requires two REWIRE skills: mindfulness and defusion. REWIRE Skill 1: MindfulnessMindfulness develops the ability to slow down and notice when emotions arise or when old, stuck scripts are playing in the background. By taking a deep breath and noticing what’s happening in your body, thoughts, and environment, you can ground yourself in the present moment. Some automatic, stuck scripts might sound like: Without mindfulness of that these common scripts are playing, we fall into repetitive patterns that prevent change. Acknowledging these patterns gives you the power to make new choices. REWIRE Skill 2: DefusionDefusion is the ability to look at and evaluate your thoughts, rather than looking from them. First, notice the thought (using mindfulness). Then, separate from it and observe it as it passes by. Defusion helps you detach from your thoughts and emotions, instead of acting as though they define you, and therefore must be “authentically” acted upon. For example, feeling hurt or angry doesn’t mean you’re a fragile or angry person. You are having hurt or angry thoughts, but they don’t dictate your identity. You have a choice other than a hurt or angry reaction that may actually align with your desired self and goals. When you separate from these thoughts, you can choose values-led actions. Committing to Actions That Promote Redemption and Growth By slowing down, noticing your reactions, and separating from them, you give yourself a choice. What you do with that choice is crucial: your next action or words could align with your values, not be ruled by your emotions or thoughts. Mindfulness allows you to notice when emotions arise, and defusion allows you to observe them without letting them define you. Together, these skills provide the space to act in line with your values, fostering redemption and growth. As you read this, I encourage you to identify 3-5 aspirational values that you can use to measure your behavior in your marriage. Scroll to the end of this post for a list of values to pick from. Remember, you won’t live out your values perfectly—and that’s okay. The key is to accept that you will struggle to align your behavior with your values. Your job is not to focus on how external forces (such as your spouse) inhibit your

(Marriage Part 2) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Humans are natural storytellers. From one perspective, when we scale out to the history of the universe, our existence seems insignificant and fleeting. However, within our lives, our relationships, and the time we share with those we love, our lives are profoundly meaningful. We don’t just live and die; we create stories that shape our motivation, identity, and sense of purpose. Against the backdrop of a universe that scarcely notices our existence, we find meaning, perhaps because of our smallness. This ability to create meaning is one of humanity’s greatest strengths, and deep commitments, especially in marriage, are a vital source of that meaning. Jason Isbell, one of my favorite songwriters, expresses this beautifully (see his quote at the end of this post). Today’s post is the second in a four-part series on how REWIRE approaches marriage. REWIRE is an intervention I’ve been developing and refining over the past six years. Rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, it places social relationships at the heart of a flourishing life. Evidence shows that REWIRE enhances quality of life, mental health, and well-being through deeper engagement in meaningful relationships. I’m writing for those who want to improve their marriages—whether you’re in a place of crisis, strength, or somewhere in between. I’m also writing for individuals considering marriage or preparing to commit to their partner. This content is also for therapists and counselors who work with couples or individuals. And if you’re someone grieving or processing the end of an important relationship, I hope this helps you too. In the first marriage essay, I laid out what a healthy marriage mindset looks like (rewirewellness.co/2024/10/09/a-healthy-marriage-mindset-enjoyment-growth/). Today, we’ll focus on how the stories we tell about ourselves and our marriages form the foundation for growth. The Story of Your Marriage Matters Marriage can be a cornerstone relationship, giving our lives meaning. When something is important, we naturally create stories around it. Marriage, whether we realize it or not, is built on an ever-evolving narrative—about the when, why, and how. Think about it: when meeting a new couple or getting to know someone, one of the first questions we often ask is, “How did you two meet?” We ask because marriage stories are deeply meaningful, ancient human expressions that ground our lives in connection and purpose. They show us whether our values align and guide us toward deeper bonds. Two types of narratives often emerge: redemption and contamination. A contamination narrative sounds like, “It’s bad and it will stay bad, so why try? This is hopeless” But a redemption narrative says, “It’s good, and though challenging, we can make it good again.” REWIRE encourages asking these fundamental questions about the stories we live by: Let me be clear: this isn’t about ignoring real pain or pretending everything is fine. Pain and disappointment in marriage are real, and REWIRE starts by acknowledging that. Starting from an honest position that accepts the challenges as they are is a critical foundation for this work. But alongside this validation and acceptance, REWIRE hedges on hope—the hope for redemption, which motivates us to put in the hard work of change, self-reflection, and growth. Building Your Sense of Self When marriages tip into the danger zone, I start seeing a few emotional patterns: co-dependence and complete emotional separation. The goal is to find a middle path where both partners can be independent but still deeply connected. Let’s begin with co-dependence. On this side, your emotional well-being is tightly linked to your spouse’s state. This can become problematic since, on any given day, your spouse may be struggling, offering an unhelpful perspective, or simply not in a position to provide the validation you’re seeking. When your sense of being “okay” or “good” depends solely on your spouse’s emotional state or approval, you relinquish too much power. This dynamic is unsustainable, as it puts undue pressure on both partners and limits individual growth. On the opposite end of the spectrum, total emotional separation leaves little room for mutual support. When we’re too distant, we fail to share in each other’s victories or be present during struggles. The knowledge your spouse has about who you are—the intimate insight they bring—becomes untapped potential for growth. This full separation often results from the pain of co-dependence, driving people to an extreme as they try to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed. What’s ideal is balance. In the middle ground, where true emotional health resides, couples are: Achieving this balance requires cultivating identity and self-worth beyond the marriage itself. While your spouse’s opinion is valuable, it shouldn’t be the sole determinant of your choices. It’s a superpower to consider your spouse’s insight while still making independent decisions that reflect the bigger picture of your life. This balance invites honest, authentic feedback from your partner, as they feel safe knowing you can handle their input constructively. Emotional balance also makes space for your spouse to move you emotionally—without overwhelming you. If you’re not emotionally fatigued or too dependent, you’ll be in a better place to support your spouse through their own struggles. Healthy emotional boundaries ensure that, even during their difficult times, you remain capable of offering the care and compassion that the journey of marriage demands. Some questions to reflect on: REWIRE starts with a redemption narrative and encourages the development of self-worth and identity. By doing so, you can align more deeply with your values and goals within the marriage. Cultivating this sense of self will help you navigate the challenges that inevitably arise, while maintaining a deeper connection with your partner. The skills in the Part 3 of this marriage series will lay out skills that can help improve you towards these goals for redemption and health, how to use mindfulness, defusion, and values on repeat to start to shift away from unhealthy patterns. “If we were vampires

(Marriage Part 1) By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To build your skills to improve your marriage, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Among all the relationships we experience, marriage is truly unique. At times, it can be a source of deep pain, loneliness, and disappointment. At other times, marriage offers profound connection, security, and beauty. To add complexity, it can be both disappointing and beautiful at the same time. Beyond these emotional experiences, healthy marriages are rooted in a unique type of commitment, distinguishing them from other relationships. Marriage, at least in most of the Western world, is a voluntary, chosen commitment. This choice brings the potential for both unparalleled depth and vulnerability. Today, I’m starting a four part series on marriage, writing through the lens of REWIRE. REWIRE is a philosophy and treatment approach that I developed to empower people to strengthen their most central relationships. REWIRE is built on the foundation of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and has been tested, published in peer-reviewed literature, and supported by evidence. It offers an alternative to pathology-focused approaches that center around mental health diagnoses, illness, and disorders. Instead, REWIRE views relationships as a universal mechanism of health that we all need help with improving, to some extent. In the REWIRE approach, we are all co-travelers—struggling through life together—with the shared goal of building deeper health and resilience by improving our relationships. My hope is that this message is helpful to people in a variety of situations: those struggling in marriage, those in healthy marriages striving to maintain or grow, those preparing for deeper commitments, mentors or counselors of married couples, and those suffering in the aftermath of a failed marriage. The Vision for a Healthy Marriage: Standing Shoulder-to-Shoulder with a Shared Vision My wife’s 24/7 access to me was overwhelming at first, and sometimes still is. In marriage, it’s impossible to hide or show only the bright, shiny parts of yourself. Your spouse sees it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly. They have an intimate knowledge of both your potential to be a positive, healing force in the world and your potential for destruction. No one else gets a fuller picture of who you truly are. Your spouse has the potential to be someone who deeply understands your flaws and accepts you, which gives you the security and courage to change, grow, and try really hard things in the world. The superpower of marriage is having a partner who can guide you, critique you, walk alongside you, and encourage you. And, in return, you have the opportunity to do the same for them—serving and enriching your own life with meaning that comes only from committing to and supporting someone else. In my own marriage, and in my work with individuals and couples over the years, a vision of a healthy marriage has emerged: two people standing side by side, looking outward together towards a shared joy, purpose, mission, and future. Occasionally, they turn back to each other to smile and enjoy the fruits of their commitment. This vision is sustained through a combination of trust, commitment, and a mutual willingness to invest deeply in each other’s growth. It thrives on healthy conflict, the resolution of inevitable friction, and shared enjoyment and presence. This investment looks like accepting, sharpening, guiding, critiquing, encouraging, cautioning, and motivating each other in an ongoing, lifelong conversation. A full commitment to marriage, in this sense, can be described as: The Ditches Along the Road: Self-Fulfillment vs. Duty This shoulder-to-shoulder vision stands in stark contrast to two common pitfalls I see when marriages struggle. Imagine a road with ditches on either side. In Ditch 1, people view marriage as a self-fulfillment factory. For them, inconvenience, struggle, and pain in marriage become intolerable because they obstruct personal happiness or fulfillment. In Ditch 2, marriage is reduced to a logistical partnership, driven by duty and obligation, where basic enjoyment and pleasure are neglected and wither away amidst the daily tasks of life. Ditch 1: Marriage as a Happiness and Self-Fulfillment Machine This state is both common and dangerous. The vision of marriage in Ditch 1 resembles two people standing toe-to-toe, looking for ways to extract self-fulfillment from each other. Because the need for happiness is so intense, they often turn away from each other to seek that fulfillment elsewhere. In marriages like this, the careful ‘lifelong conversation’ meant to sharpen, guide, and encourage each other tips over into criticism and rejection. It becomes easy to find faults in your spouse and identify ways they detract from your personal happiness. Over time, this can lead to bitterness and a fixation on each other’s flaws, especially if the goal is to extract happiness from the marriage. If the goal of this intense focus on each other doesn’t lead to turning back to stand shoulder-to-shoulder, the relationship can crumble under the weight of unrealistic expectations. While it’s necessary at times to focus inward for rest and healing, remaining insular can prevent the connection and healing we need from friendships, hobbies, work, caring for our neighbors, and community. It’s important to remember that marriage, while deeply fulfilling, will fail if we look to our spouse as our sole source of happiness, connection, and fulfillment. Marriage and nuclear family cannot live up to this expectation. Ditch 2: Marriage as Pure Duty and Obligation In contrast, Ditch 2 involves an unbalanced focus on duty and obligation. In this scenario, marriage becomes a mechanical partnership, where the focus is solely on serving logistics without the joy and presence that make marriage meaningful. Without balancing duty with enjoyment, couples grow distant, losing the deep connection they once shared. Both ditches lead to weak foundations for marriage. In Ditch 1, marriage as a self-fulfillment machine is tragic because it sets up an unrealistic goal of happiness extraction, which can ultimately destroy the relationship. In Ditch 2, marriage as pure duty is equally tragic because it strips away the

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To improve your skills in these areas, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app We are constantly hearing about values—largely through organizations and companies promoting their business or mission statements. But values aren’t just for companies and marketing. They aren’t just buzzwords or corporate jargon. They can serve you as an individual like a compass—guiding your actions and shaping the direction of your life. This is especially true in something as complex, dynamic, and ever-evolving as relationships. Feeling Stuck or Lost? Use Your Values as a Compass Let me ask you something: Have you ever found yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed, like life is pulling you in a million directions? One moment you’re fine, and the next, everything feels chaotic. Or perhaps you get stuck in an emotion you don’t want to be stuck in. This is where your values come in. I’ve spent years researching how relationships play a pivotal role in our mental and emotional resilience. Reconnecting with values is an alternative to being guided and ruled by emotions and thoughts. When we are driven by emotions and thoughts, we fall into repetitive patterns that keep us stuck. Values, on the other hand, provide a benchmark for measuring behavior and choices, offering a clearer trajectory for growth and improvement. Values can steer you through difficult times, especially when challenges arise in relationships. The Role of Values in Relationships Core values can have a deep impact on relationships—perhaps more than we often realize. Values are principles that define who we aspire to be. Whether it’s honesty, kindness, perseverance, or loyalty, values are the foundation of how we interact with others. Here’s an example of how emotions and values differ fundamentally in a single interaction. Recently, my wife and I were discussing an important decision about one of our kids, and I felt like my voice wasn’t being heard. Before I knew it, I was raising my voice—something that doesn’t align with my values of gentleness and honesty. This is where the concept of a choice point comes into play: a critical moment where we can either let emotions drive our actions or use the moment to realign with our values. In my case, I had a choice: keep arguing or take a breath, acknowledge my frustration, and return to the values that matter most to me. Instead of falling into the familiar pattern of arguing about how we communicate, I could take responsibility for my emotions and move the conversation forward. Put another way, we could either get back to discussing the important decision we had to make as parents, or we could get stuck in an argument about how we were arguing. That small shift in perspective—recognizing that I could still act in accordance with my values, even in the heat of the moment—can begin to turn relationships in healthier directions. My choice was to apologize, acknowledge my frustration, and shift the conversation back to a place of mutual respect and understanding. Why Values Matter in High-Stakes Relationships This kind of situation isn’t unique. We all face moments in our closest relationships—whether with a spouse, child, friend, parent, or colleague—where emotions flare up. Values serve as a guide through these turbulent moments, helping us navigate emotional storms without losing our way. It’s easy to react impulsively when tensions run high. But when you take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I acting in line with the person I want to be?”—that’s where real transformation happens. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can choose a values-driven response. How many times do we need to react emotionally and feel sorry later before deciding there must be a different way? Turning Conflict into Connection In relationships, living by your values doesn’t just prevent arguments from escalating—it creates opportunities for deeper connection. In the example with my wife, I didn’t just stop a fight; I opened the door for us to communicate more honestly and empathetically. The same holds true for you. When you act in alignment with your values, you’re not only reducing distress, but you’re also fostering a stronger, more authentic connection with the people you care about. In fact, research consistently shows that values-based actions contribute to more fulfilling and resilient relationships. Next Steps: How to Use Values in Your Relationships Next time you’re in an emotionally charged situation, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: Takeaway: Relationships thrive when we act in accordance with our values, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection. By living through our values, we create a compass that keeps us on course, even when life gets tough.

By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To learn more about how REWIRE can improve your relationships, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app Over the past 15 years, I’ve been deeply immersed in studying and building psychological and community-level interventions, with a focus on three key areas: (1) social functioning and relationship health, (2) social cohesion and polarization in communities, and (3) how to live a more connected, joyful, and meaningful life. My work has led me to study how individuals—ranging from first responders and veterans to doctors, nurses, and ordinary folks—manage the chronic stress associated with their work. This has included an exploration of how stress and trauma reshape the ways we think about work, survival, and erode deeper connections with one anther. And how this further erodes meaning, beauty, joy, and presence to make life worth living. Over the last five years, this work has culminated in the development of an intervention I call RE-WIRE, designed to help individuals refocus their meaning and joy on values and relationships. I’ve successfully applied this approach to help hundreds of people, and my hope is to move it out of cloistered and low scalability academic research settings and into the public for broader good. Today, I’m writing about the context out of which I developed RE-WIRE was developed and what makes it such an effective approach. To provide a clear explanation, I’ll break it down into three parts: Part 1: The Fundamentals and Failures of Second-Wave CBT Second-wave CBT, which originated from the work of Aaron Beck in the 1970s and 1980s, quickly became the dominant model in psychotherapy. It revolutionized the field, and emerged in a time that tools and methods for better scientific rigor were available. Gold standards for treatment efficacy such as randomized controlled trials (RCTs) came into being and vogue, and provided opportunities to build rigorous evidence for the effectiveness of psychotherapy—much like pharmaceutical trials for psychiatric medications. In its simplest form, second-wave CBT is grounded in two core principles: Therapists are trained to help clients identify cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking, and replace them with more objective, reality-based thoughts. While this approach has provided many positive outcomes, it falls short in several critical areas, especially in the context of trauma treatment, where studies show a high rate of symptom persistence even after therapy. Problem 1: Waning Effectiveness Data from meta-analyses show that the positive effects of second-wave CBT have diminished over time, with studies like the Johnsen & Friborg (2015) analysis revealing a regression to the mean in therapeutic outcomes since 1977. Similarly, research by Steenkamp and colleagues (2015; 2020) revealed that up to to two-thirds of patients still had diagnosable conditions after receiving second-wave CBT, suggesting only partial improvements. Problem 2: Accessibility and Scalability Second-wave CBT is complicated and deals with very abstract and high minded concepts like “cognition.” It requires highly trained professionals, often with 21-23 years of education and specialized training through doctoral and postdoctoral work, making it difficult for the general public to access. With limited numbers of trained therapists, it’s unrealistic to think this approach is truly scalable to meet the growing mental health needs of the broader population. Further, even if we had all the demand for rigorously trained therapists met, both the financial cost and time burden to participate in these interventions is not feasible for most people. In other words, these are interventions for wealthy people with the money and time to spend.   Problem 3: Lack of Authenticity Traditional CBT places too much emphasis on cognition as the sole change mechanism, creating an imbalance in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist becomes the “expert,” while the patient is viewed as a “novice” in understanding their own life. The therapist is the purveyeor of “objective reality.” This dynamic can be disempowering, leading to resistance or dropout in therapy. Problem 4: Passivity By focusing primarily on thought restructuring, second-wave CBT can lead clients into a cycle of “thinking about thinking,” which can be fruitful, but just as often generates more rumination. In today’s world, where overthinking is already rampant, this approach may not be the most effective way to propel people toward actionable improvements. Part 2: The Evolution of Third-Wave CBT Third-wave CBT departs from the traditional emphasis on cognitive restructuring and instead focuses on values-based actions and behavior change. Rather than viewing distorted thinking as the primary issue, third-wave approaches emphasize living in alignment with personal values and goals, with therapy acting as a guide to achieving that alignment. In this model, patients—not therapists—define the targets for change, with the focus on behaviors rather than thoughts. Cognition is acknowledged as important but not the central driver of change. Instead of passively examining thoughts, patients engage in concrete actions aligned with their values, evaluating the success of those actions against personal goals, rather than an external “objective reality” defined by the therapist. For example, rather than asking, “How did your distorted thinking lead to anger?” a third-wave therapist might ask, “Was your behavior aligned with your values during that conflict? What action could have been more in line with your values next time?” This shift makes therapy more accessible, authentic, and action-oriented, addressing many of the shortcomings of traditional CBT. Part 3: Why RE-WIRE is Different RE-WIRE takes the principles of third-wave CBT and applies them specifically to relationships, which, in my experience, are the core concern for nearly all therapy clients. Relationship issues are not only the most common reason people seek therapy, but they are also one of the most universally supported protective factors in mental and physical health, with strong social ties linked to better outcomes in areas like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even chronic diseases. RE-WIRE was designed to fill the gap left by traditional therapies that often focus on individual pathology without explicitly addressing relationships. By focusing on key relationships—whether with a spouse, parent, child, or friend—RE-WIRE helps people reconnect to their values and act in