By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To improve your skills in these areas, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app
We are constantly hearing about values—largely through organizations and companies promoting their business or mission statements. But values aren’t just for companies and marketing. They aren’t just buzzwords or corporate jargon. They can serve you as an individual like a compass—guiding your actions and shaping the direction of your life. This is especially true in something as complex, dynamic, and ever-evolving as relationships.
Feeling Stuck or Lost? Use Your Values as a Compass
Let me ask you something: Have you ever found yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed, like life is pulling you in a million directions? One moment you’re fine, and the next, everything feels chaotic. Or perhaps you get stuck in an emotion you don’t want to be stuck in. This is where your values come in.
I’ve spent years researching how relationships play a pivotal role in our mental and emotional resilience. Reconnecting with values is an alternative to being guided and ruled by emotions and thoughts. When we are driven by emotions and thoughts, we fall into repetitive patterns that keep us stuck. Values, on the other hand, provide a benchmark for measuring behavior and choices, offering a clearer trajectory for growth and improvement. Values can steer you through difficult times, especially when challenges arise in relationships.
The Role of Values in Relationships
Core values can have a deep impact on relationships—perhaps more than we often realize. Values are principles that define who we aspire to be. Whether it’s honesty, kindness, perseverance, or loyalty, values are the foundation of how we interact with others.
Here’s an example of how emotions and values differ fundamentally in a single interaction. Recently, my wife and I were discussing an important decision about one of our kids, and I felt like my voice wasn’t being heard. Before I knew it, I was raising my voice—something that doesn’t align with my values of gentleness and honesty.
This is where the concept of a choice point comes into play: a critical moment where we can either let emotions drive our actions or use the moment to realign with our values. In my case, I had a choice: keep arguing or take a breath, acknowledge my frustration, and return to the values that matter most to me. Instead of falling into the familiar pattern of arguing about how we communicate, I could take responsibility for my emotions and move the conversation forward.
Put another way, we could either get back to discussing the important decision we had to make as parents, or we could get stuck in an argument about how we were arguing.
That small shift in perspective—recognizing that I could still act in accordance with my values, even in the heat of the moment—can begin to turn relationships in healthier directions. My choice was to apologize, acknowledge my frustration, and shift the conversation back to a place of mutual respect and understanding.
Why Values Matter in High-Stakes Relationships
This kind of situation isn’t unique. We all face moments in our closest relationships—whether with a spouse, child, friend, parent, or colleague—where emotions flare up. Values serve as a guide through these turbulent moments, helping us navigate emotional storms without losing our way.
It’s easy to react impulsively when tensions run high. But when you take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I acting in line with the person I want to be?”—that’s where real transformation happens. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can choose a values-driven response.
How many times do we need to react emotionally and feel sorry later before deciding there must be a different way?
Turning Conflict into Connection
In relationships, living by your values doesn’t just prevent arguments from escalating—it creates opportunities for deeper connection. In the example with my wife, I didn’t just stop a fight; I opened the door for us to communicate more honestly and empathetically.
The same holds true for you. When you act in alignment with your values, you’re not only reducing distress, but you’re also fostering a stronger, more authentic connection with the people you care about. In fact, research consistently shows that values-based actions contribute to more fulfilling and resilient relationships.
Next Steps: How to Use Values in Your Relationships
Next time you’re in an emotionally charged situation, take a moment to pause and ask yourself:
- What values are at play here?
- Are my actions aligned with those values?
Takeaway: Relationships thrive when we act in accordance with our values, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection. By living through our values, we create a compass that keeps us on course, even when life gets tough.