By Dr. Andrew Smith, psychologist, military veteran, dad, husband, therapist, and type-2 fun guy. For more resources on the REWIRE approach, check out our free guide or download the REWIRE app.
Not long ago, I found myself navigating a common parenting challenge with my six-year-old son at a birthday party. The event was loud and exciting, with kids running around, games in every corner, and enough sugar to keep everyone bouncing off the walls. My son was thrilled at first, diving into the fun, but as the party went on, I could see him starting to unravel—his excitement tipping into overwhelm. The moment of truth came when he didn’t win a game, and the disappointment hit hard. His frustration grew quickly, and soon he was on the edge of a meltdown, tears welling up as he stormed off.
In that moment, I felt pressure to calm him down, to smooth things over, to prevent a scene. Ideally, I strive to respond to situations like this with empathy, focusing on what my son is going through and what he needs to grow. However, my internal response was more about my own embarrassment, frustration, and insecurity about my parenting. As I tried to keep him steady amidst the chaos, I could feel my own tension rising.
What if, in a situation like this, I could align with my values instead of letting my emotional reactions take control? Instead of jumping in, I could develop a sense of self and presence that would keep me grounded. Rather than thinking, “How is this reflecting on me?” I could shift to, “How can I help him grow?”
Here’s the truth—I often don’t win against my emotional reactions. But in this situation, I notched a small victory. I realized I was initially responding out of my own emotions, but I managed to slow down, invite him to regroup, and, within a few minutes, he was ready to rejoin the fun. By staying calm and prioritizing his growth over my insecurities, I aligned with my values.
This kind of shift is what REWIRE is all about. Our approach focuses on recognizing when we’re not centered on our values, recalibrating, and acting out of a healthy sense of self in the midst of the emotional roller coaster our kids are learning to navigate. As a clinical psychologist using the REWIRE approach, I emphasize how a balanced self-identity helps us offer the steady support our kids need, without getting pulled into their emotional highs and lows.
This essay is the fourth in a series on parenting through REWIRE—a framework I developed to help individuals strengthen their most important relationships by fostering self-awareness, values alignment, and resilience. Our focus today is on how a healthy self-identity enhances our ability to parent in ways we aspire to.
1. The Role of Self-Identity in Parenting
A healthy self-identity isn’t just important for our own well-being; it’s essential for how we show up as parents. When we have a strong sense of who we are and what we value, we’re more resilient in the face of our children’s emotional ups and downs. This allows us to model patience, confidence, and composure, providing a sense of stability even during challenging moments.
The REWIRE approach places great emphasis on a centered self-identity, encouraging parents to understand and align with their core values. By staying grounded in these values, parents can navigate difficult moments with calm and compassion, fostering a positive environment that supports their own well-being and their child’s development.
2. Codependence: Losing the Self in Relationships
Codependence in parenting often arises from a desire to be deeply involved in our children’s emotional world. While a close bond is essential, codependence occurs when a parent’s self-worth becomes too tied to their child’s successes, struggles, or approval. The parent may feel an intense need to soothe or fix the child’s emotions, not only for the child’s sake but also to ease their own discomfort. This dynamic can prevent the teenager from developing critical skills in resilience and self-reliance, leaving them dependent on the parent to resolve emotional issues.
Breaking the Cycle with REWIRE
The REWIRE approach teaches that healthy parenting begins with a clear sense of self. By defining personal values and boundaries, parents can offer support without over-identifying with their child’s struggles. For example, empathizing with a teenager’s feelings, encouraging open communication, and providing gentle guidance allows the teen to develop their coping strategies while the parent remains grounded in values-led support.
3. Cold Separation: Isolation in the Name of Independence
On the opposite end of codependence is cold separation, where a parent maintains too much emotional distance. This can stem from past experiences or a desire to preserve one’s own sense of identity. While fostering independence is essential, too much emotional distance can leave a child feeling unsupported, lacking the warmth and guidance they need.
REWIRE promotes a balanced approach by encouraging emotional presence while maintaining one’s sense of self. It’s about being available to support the child while staying rooted in your own values, creating a relationship where children feel supported yet are encouraged to grow.
4. Finding Balance: Values-Led Parenting Through REWIRE
A values-led approach to parenting strikes a balance between connection and independence. Through REWIRE, parents are encouraged to clarify their values and use them as the foundation for parenting decisions. This means choosing responses that align with long-term goals—such as nurturing resilience, confidence, and empathy—rather than reacting to immediate emotions.
For instance, if a child struggles with a task, a values-driven response might involve offering gentle encouragement rather than stepping in to help or expressing frustration. By anchoring responses in values, parents avoid impulsive reactions and provide stable, intentional guidance that aligns with their long-term goals for both themselves and their children.
5. Staying Grounded: Avoiding the Emotional Roller Coaster
A healthy self-identity also helps parents avoid the emotional roller coaster of their child’s daily highs and lows. Children, especially young ones, experience frequent shifts in emotions—joy, frustration, curiosity, disappointment—all within a short period. A parent with a grounded self-identity can offer steady support without getting caught up in these fluctuations, creating a safe environment for the child to express and manage their emotions.
This stability allows the parent to model self-regulation, showing the child that emotions are natural but don’t need to control their actions. In turn, the child learns to trust both the parent’s steadiness and their own capacity to handle challenging emotions.
Conclusion:
Healthy parenting flows naturally from a healthy self-identity. Learning to navigate the balance between connection and independence allows parents to model resilience and self-respect, fostering emotionally secure and independent children. This final essay in the series emphasizes that effective parenting starts within. With REWIRE’s resources, parents can continue to grow in ways that benefit both themselves and their families.