By Dr. Andrew Smith, Clinical Psychologist, Professor, and Pat Tillman Scholar. To start the process of transforming your relationships now, download our free guide and checkout the REWIRE app
In today’s fast-paced world, values often appear in business and organizational mission statements, but they are equally crucial in our personal lives. Personal values like honesty, authenticity, gentleness, and persistence guide our actions and choices, helping us break painful patterns and build meaningful relationships. There is a lot of talk of ‘Values’ out there.
Simply defined, values are aspirational qualities of action, or desired ways of behaving.
As individuals, we can have and define our own values as well. For me, this morning, my core values are definitive: Honesty, Authenticity, Gentleness, Persistence. Values are not achievable…not something we can perfect. Rather, values serve as a standard or goal by which we can measure choices or actions. And a guide for choosing new actions and breaking painful patterns and habits.
Last week, my 6-year-old son broke a window on the backside of our house with a rock. I was upset. A cost calculation ran through my head. Words came out.
- Did the way I handled that conflict with my son exemplify my values in gentleness and honesty?
- Or did I let emotion and hurt feelings get the better of me, and either say something hurtful or withdrawal into isolation?
- And when I let my emotions get the better of me, do I further justify those emotions by shaming? “You don’t seem to care one bit about this house and our things.” I look around for verification of my position. “On top of the bicycle that was left out in the rain yesterday…”
- Or on the withdrawal and isolation side, perhaps I decide to recede into the garage and grumble for the rest of the morning about this and that. And find something else to get upset about. Notice that this response avoids initial conflict, but does not align with my values or goals as a dad to teach my son (incongruent with my values of honesty and authenticity).
- Now, if indeed I let my emotion get the better of me in this example, and then I double down on those feelings with hurtful language or disengaged withdrawal, how do I respond now in a way that re-aligns me with my values?
- These are choice points, and I could let my values guide my next action. Or I could continue to let emotion dictate my actions. Choice point 1 was to catch myself in my emotion when I heard the window break. For me to slow down, notice the opportunity to respond. In this instance (and in many unfortunately), perhaps I’ve blown through choice point 1.
- Now I am at Choice Point 2. Perhaps the values-led action from this choice point could sound like, “Sorry son, I raised my voice, said something hurtful to you about respecting our things, and hurt your feelings. That’s not the kind of Dad I want to be to you. We do need to talk about the window, but let’s come back and do this a little later when we’ve had time to think on it a bit.”
- Here, I’ve imperfectly but earnestly re-aligned with my values.
In relationships, values are a trustworthy anchor by which we can determine how to respond and engage with others. Much more trustworthy than emotion or thoughts. Values are especially foundational in relationships that matter…because they’re the ones with the highest stakes that produce the most emotion (both positive and negative emotion). Romantic partnerships, marriages, long standing friendships, parent-child relationships, family relationships, workplace collaborations. The ones that propel meaning in our lives, without which we are left feeling isolated.
Because my role as a husband and father matter so much to me, and therefore my marriage and my relationship with my children matter so much to me, these relationships also produce the most emotion on both ends of the spectrum (joy and pain). My body produces the most powerful emotional signals, designed to keep me going back to improve, repair, and draw upon these relationships. Emotional friction in relationships is a feature, not a bug. In this model, the broken window and my painful response becomes an opportunity for connection for me and my son.
This approach avoids leaving painful scars in our relationships that perpetuate disconnection in the future. In which my son learns to fear my reactions, and I learn to fear my own reactions. In which we begin to avoid one another. In which I start playing the “fathers and sons greatest hits” song about how my son doesn’t respect my hard work, and he learns to live down to that expectation. A real classic that fathers and sons have been playing for centuries.
I’ll write a lot more in the future about how emotions drive us away from our values in the moment—towards patterns of hiding and withdrawal from relationships. How emotions drive us to avoid going deeper with others for short term relief (“whew…I don’t have to have that argument today”) with long term consequences for deeper connection that can only come from being known (which includes painful but worthwhile cycles of conflict and repair). But this is priming the idea.
We can learn to choose values to propel us towards our aspirational or desired selves, and our relationships towards those that we envision. Rather than staying stuck in repetitive patterns that define emotion driven lives. And this is not a “you” problem…its an “us” as a human race in 2024 problem. Values are our way out.
Choose your values. Notice when you are behaving in ways that are incongruent with your values. Choose an action to realign with value. Rinse. Repeat.