John’s Struggle to Attain and Maintain the Perfect Life
John had it all—at least on the surface. A meticulously planned life, an optimized schedule, and a clear focus on eliminating stress. His guiding philosophy was simple: control the chaos, avoid discomfort, and life will run smoothly. “I can think and optimize my life in all ways, until all stress and pain eventually subsides.” He pursued happiness like a problem to be solved.
But cracks in this polished existence began to show. Despite all his strategies, frustration seeped into his parenting, his marriage felt flat and distant, and loneliness hovered like a constant shadow. His aging parents started to decline, a reality that had been up until this point completely off of his radar. What John failed to realize was that his obsession with an upward trajectory and polishing his life to free himself from stress and pain was a suffering avoidance strategy that led him into a deeper kind of pain—a life drained of connection, growth, and joy. A fragility and lack of skill and mindset or managing and working with the stressors and inevitable suffering that eventually surrounds all of us in some way, shape, or form.
John’s story isn’t unique. It reflects a cultural narrative many of us live by: the belief that the goal of life is to minimize friction and maximize ease and comfort. That loss and failure are for suckers. This belief is deeply ingrained, fueled by modern technology’s promise of convenience and efficiency.
If this sounds like you, I implore you towards the joy and freedom giving mindset development for how you are going to handle life’s inevitable losses, failures, and suffering.
As a therapist, good folks like John have come through the door hundreds of times, looking for a way to find meaning in the face of the plateaus and losses that become all of us. Good news– ancient wisdom and our approach at Rewire have an answer for this.
The Ancient Wisdom of Stoicism: What Marcus Aurelius and Viktor Frankl Taught Us About Suffering
Stoic philosophy offers a timeless counterpoint to our fantasies about frictionless, freedom from stress, and a never ending upward trajectory. Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher, wrote extensively in Meditations about the inevitability of suffering and the importance of accepting it with grace. For Aurelius, suffering was neither a punishment nor something to be avoided—it was an opportunity to align with nature and live according to one’s values.
In Meditations, he offers this: “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” His belief was that freedom comes not from controlling life’s outcomes but from how we choose to respond.
This idea plays out in much more modern and visceral ways in the famous ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ (Frankl, 1985). In it, Viktor Frankl defines clearly the power of this values-led, rational approach to life that allowed him to survive and build meaning even out of the most horrendous experiences (in this case, his time in a Nazi concentration camp). Frankl says this:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”
Aurelius and Frankl alike understood that suffering and hardship are not obstacles that can be eliminated. They taught that our resilience and joy come from cultivating virtues like courage, patience, and wisdom in the face of difficulty (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Neff, 2003).
This wisdom aligns beautifully with modern psychological approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Where Stoicism calls for the discipline of perception and the art of acquiescence, ACT emphasizes acceptance of internal experiences and committed action in the service of one’s values (Hayes et al., 2011).
And this is where our Rewire approach builds on both these traditions to offer something practical and relationally transformative.
Rewire: Changing the Relationship with Suffering and Connection
Rewire takes the principles of Stoicism and ACT and applies them directly to relational healing and growth. While ACT focuses on individual well-being and values-driven living, Rewire emphasizes the relational context—how accepting suffering and friction in relationships can deepen connection with others and lead to more authentic relationships (Smith et al., 2023; Fredrickson, 2001).
John’s transformation began when he stopped seeing suffering as a problem to avoid or remove from his life. Instead, he started seeing stress and friction as a signal—a call to live in alignment with his values of connection and curiosity.
Instead of trying to eliminate his frustrations with parenting or withdraw from his marriage or painful decline of his parents, he chose a different path.
- Acceptance – John accepted that life—and his relationships—would never be frictionless or pain free. He grounded himself in the reality of what was, rather than clinging to what he wished it to be.
- Define a Values-Led Action – He identified connection, curiosity, and loyalty as core values and planned small actions to reflect them.
- Carry Out the Action – He invited his daughter to bake cookies with him—a simple but meaningful act of connection. He invited his wife to a monthly date night. And he planned down time to help take care of financial logistics with his father.
- Reframe the Goal – Instead of seeking immediate harmony, John focused on aligning his actions with his values, no matter how his daughter, wife, or father responded.
The result? The experience wasn’t perfect, but it was real. By living up to his values, John began to feel more capable to handle stressors that came his way, and started to feel more congruent on the inside. His ability to share space with his daughter, laugh with his wife for the first time in months, and cry with his father allowed him to feel present and connected. Not pain free, but up the the challenge to meet the inherent suffering in life along with his closest people.
The Role of Social Connection and Meaning in Sustained Change
As research shows, social meaning and connection are the key drivers of sustained change (Ford & Smith, 2007; Scott & Cohen, 2020). While our thoughts and emotions are important, they can also deceive us—pulling us into self-protective patterns that keep us isolated and stuck.
In Rewire, the emphasis is always on small, values-based actions in relationships. It is on defusing ourselves from the emotions and thoughts that keep us stuck and passive– and replacing those passive stuck ways of being with active values led behaviors. These actions—when grounded in acceptance and curiosity—create opportunities for connection and healing.
John’s story in your essays illustrates this beautifully: his choice to reach out to his estranged son was uncomfortable and filled with the risk of rejection, but it was also an act of courage and love (Smith et al., 2023).
A Return to the Classics: Marcus Aurelius Meets Modern Science
The integration of Stoic philosophy, ACT, and Rewire reflects the enduring power of these ideas. Marcus Aurelius would have recognized the REWIRE approach as deeply Stoic:
- Acceptance of reality as it is
- Focus on what is within your control—your actions and values
- Relentless commitment to living with purpose, living up to your values, and noticing when you are not, no matter how hard life gets
Marcus Aurelius’s words echo across centuries: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”. This principle is the heart of Rewire. The very obstacles that cause suffering are also the raw materials for transformation and deeper connection (Hayes et al., 2011).
Your Call to Action: Start with One Bite-Sized Change
If you find yourself stuck in familiar relational patterns—waiting for others to change, holding back for fear of rejection, or caught in cycles of avoidance—consider this a call to action.
- Choose a relationship where you desire change.
- Define one small, values-led action you can take this week.
- Don’t avoid that action because you are unsure of the other person’s response. The reason you are engaging this action is to align more closely with your own values. Period.
- Commit to that action, no matter how it feels in the moment.
True freedom isn’t the absence of suffering; it’s the ability to act with love and purpose in the face of it. It’s the ability and grit to know when you are falling short, and having an answer for how you are going to get up and try again. Joy and connection are not accidents—they are the fruits of intentional, values-driven living.
What’s one small action you can take today to move closer to the life and relationships you desire?
References
- Harris, R. (2009). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Shambhala Publications.
- Marcus Aurelius. Meditations. Translated by Gregory Hays. Modern Library Edition.
- Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s Search for Meaning. Simon and Schuster
- Smith, A. J., Pincus, D., & Ricca, B. P. (2023). Targeting social connection in the context of trauma: Functional outcomes and mechanisms of change. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 28, 300–309.
- Ford, M. E., & Smith, P. R. (2007). Thriving with social purpose: An integrative approach to the development of optimal human functioning. Educational Psychologist, 42(3), 153–171.
- Scott, M. J., & Cohen, A. B. (2020). Surviving and thriving: Fundamental social motives provide purpose in life. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(6), 944–960.
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.
- Vowles, K. E., & McCracken, L. M. (2008). Acceptance and values-based action in chronic pain: A study of treatment effectiveness and process. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(3), 397–407.
- Ciarrochi, J., & Bailey, A. (2008). A CBT Practitioner’s Guide to ACT: How to Bridge the Gap Between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
- Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.
- Fledderus, M., Bohlmeijer, E. T., Pieterse, M. E., & Schreurs, K. M. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy as guided self-help for psychological distress and positive mental health: A randomized controlled trial. Psychological Medicine, 42(3), 485–495.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.