The Homecoming That Felt Like a Ghost Story
Brian stepped off the plane, greeted by the patriotic cheers of neighbors, the warm embrace of his wife, and the excited squeals of his children. A decorated Army veteran, his homecoming should have been a moment of triumph. But as the noise of celebration faded, an unsettling hollowness crept in.
On the outside, Brian was home. Shouldn’t he be happy? All that he has been anticipating has come to be. The letters and emails and phone calls back and forth between Brian and his wife and kids have been awaiting this day.
But on the inside, Brian felt uneasy. “I feel like I’m on an island,” Brian tells me. “I’m surrounded by people who love me, but it’s like there’s this wall I can’t break through. No one really understands the weight I carry.”
Thus began Brian’s healing, and the framing and approach to fighting the battle for meaning, connection, and life after the military was just getting started.
The Hidden Battle: Social Isolation, PTSD, and Suicide Risk
Brian’s sense of isolation is not unique to him. Over half of all veterans report experiencing levels of loneliness and isolation that far exceed those seen in the general population (Kuwert et al., 2014; Wilson et al., 2018). This reality carries serious consequences. Research consistently identifies social support and connection as the strongest and most replicated predictor of suicide among veterans (Na et al., 2022; Solomon et al., 2015). In practical terms, low levels of social support and high levels of disconnection significantly increase the risk of suicide.
Veterans seem to understand this intuitively. A striking 96% of those seeking mental health services report that their primary concern is relational—how to rebuild or repair meaningful social connections (Sayer et al., 2009). What’s more, difficulties with social connection are a major barrier preventing veterans from fully engaging in and benefiting from mental health treatments (Rozek et al., 2023).
But does this happen because veterans simply prefer to isolate themselves? Absolutely not. I have never heard a veteran say, “I came home hoping to be withdrawn, cynical, and alone. To lose my marriage, become distant from my kids, and live in isolation.” Quite the opposite: human beings are wired to adapt to survive. However, the adaptations that are critical in combat environments—like heightened vigilance for danger and emotional suppression to finish the mission—don’t translate well into the skills required for connection and relationship-building in post-military life (Smith et al., 2018).
Unfortunately, instead of addressing these relational challenges head-on, veterans seeking mental health help are funneled into symptom-focused treatments that provide relief from suffering while falling short of equipping them with the tools they need to rebuild and nurture social bonds (Smith et al., 2023).
The Systemic Issue: Relational Needs vs. Disease/Symptom Focus
The disconnect begins with how veterans’ struggles are framed within the mental health system. Veterans may initially seek help for relational concerns—like how to repair a struggling marriage or reconnect with their children—but are often directed to PTSD-focused care, where symptom reduction takes precedence over addressing social barriers.
This systemic misstep creates a dangerous gap. Trauma-focused therapies frequently overlook the bidirectional relationship between social support and PTSD recovery, in which improving social ties can accelerate healing, while untreated isolation worsens trauma symptoms over time (Sippel et al., 2024). Such relationship functioning is noted, and given lip service, only to get to the “real work” of PTSD symptom reduction. By failing to prioritize relational healing, the system risks leaving veterans validated in their suffering but unequipped to reconnect with those they care about most (Swerdlow et al., 2023).
Brian’s case was no different. He had already gone through traditional PTSD therapy but continued to feel alienated. What he truly needed at this point in his journey was support in rebuilding relationships and rediscovering his purpose—a focus the REWIRE approach seeks to provide.
Here’s the hopeful part: while low social support fosters despair, increasing connection and support is one of the most powerful and effective “medicines” we have. By focusing resources on fostering meaningful relationships, we can help veterans unlock their untapped potential for healing and growth through connection.
The Chasm Between Survival and Connection
The days following his homecoming were harder than Brian expected. Conversations with his wife became strained, his children seemed tentative around him, and the routine of civilian life felt empty. Work was hollow, friendships lacked depth, and even his faith, once a pillar of strength, felt distant.
His frustration grew as he watched himself pull away from his family despite desperately wanting to connect. He loved them, but he couldn’t feel it the way he used to. Every time he tried to express it, his irritability or anger seemed to get in the way.
The only people Brian felt comfortable around were fellow veterans. They got it. He didn’t have to explain the weight he carried, the hypervigilance, the anger that flared up over small things. But even those connections didn’t fill the deeper void. He longed for something more: the sense of purpose, the leadership, the meaning he had in military life.
And that’s when we uncovered the real issue—Brian wasn’t just dealing with PTSD; he had lost his mission.
From Symptom Management to Meaning: The REWIRE Approach
When Brian’s therapy prior to coming to my clinic focused on reduction of his mental health distress—most prominently—his PTSD symptoms. However, it hadn’t provided him with a clear vision for what came next.
It had helped him survive, and understand some of the changes that his brain and body made to function well in combat. But it did not teach him how to thrive in life after combat.
Brian and I discovered that he had come to over-identify with his PTSD. It became the filter through which he explained everything: his withdrawal, his irritability, his exhaustion. A kind of catch all for regrettable behaviors and avoidance of potential pain or anxiety. It validated his suffering—but it also imprisoned him in a label.
So, we shifted the focus. Instead of seeing PTSD as the central force in his life, we worked to reposition it as a manageable part of life rather than the defining feature of his identity. We placed joy, connection, and purpose at the center instead. In other words, instead of making reducing his distress the focus of his existence, we shifted to make increasing joy and connection the center of his purpose.
Here’s how we did it:
1. Clarifying What Matters
We started with values—not symptoms.
“What kind of husband do you want to be?” I asked him.
“What kind of father?”
“What kind of friend?”
“What kind of son?”
“What kind of leader?”
Brian identified his values: love, loyalty, service, and growth. These became his compass, helping him act not based on fleeting emotions, but on the life he wanted to build. His aspirational self instead of his sense of self limited by his suffering. Even on his hardest days, these values reminded him of the man he aspired to be, and became the measure of his choices and actions.
2. Taking Action Aligned with Values
Small, intentional actions helped Brian bridge the gap between who he was and who he wanted to be.
✔️ He scheduled one-on-one time with his wife and showed up to his kids’ school events—not as grand gestures, but as simple acts of presence.
✔️ He learned to use the skill of ‘vulnerability’ and ‘repair’ when he lost his temper, withdrew, or avoided importantly conversations with his wife and kids. Instead of expressing a sense of hopelessness and self-loathing for the ways that he failed in the small moments to live up to his values, he expressed acknowledgment, vulnerability, and responsibility taking.
✔️ He volunteered with Team Rubicon, a veteran-led disaster response organization, allowing him to use his military leadership skills in a new mission—one that gave him purpose beyond combat.
✔️ He re-engaged with his faith, but not as a place to “fix” himself. Instead, he sought spiritual connection through service, relationships, and rebuilding trust in his community.
3. Reframing Recovery
Brian came to understand that recovery isn’t about eliminating symptoms—it’s about living fully. His anger still flares up sometimes. There are nights he still struggles with sleep. But PTSD no longer defines him. It’s just one part of his story.
What defines him now? Showing up. Leading. Engaging with his family. Finding purpose.
A New Mission: Connection Over Isolation
Brian’s story is not just about healing—it’s about reclaiming a post-military mission rooted in connection, leadership, and service.
This shift—from seeing PTSD as the center of his life to treating it as a manageable barrier—is where real transformation happens. Less pain is good, but more purpose, more connection, more meaning? That’s life-changing.
For veterans like Brian, the path forward isn’t about waiting for relationships to heal. It’s about leading them by living up to our values towards others, and letting the chips fall where they will.
And that’s what REWIRE is all about.
References
- Kuwert, P., Knaevelsrud, C., & Pietrzak, R. H. (2014). Loneliness among older veterans in the United States: Results from the National Health and Resilience in Veterans Study. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 22(6), 564–569.
- Na, P. J., De Angelis, F., Nichter, B., Wendt, F. R., Krystal, J. H., Southwick, S. M., … & Pietrzak, R. H. (2022). Psychosocial moderators of polygenic risk for suicidal ideation: Results from a 7-year population-based, prospective cohort study of US veterans. Molecular Psychiatry, 27(2), 1068-1074.
- Rozek, D. C., et al. (2023). Understanding veteran barriers to specialty outpatient PTSD clinical care. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 95, 102675.
- Sayer, N. A., et al. (2009). Veterans seeking PTSD care: Roles of social and relationship concerns. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 22(3), 183–187.
- Smith, A. J., Pincus, D., & Ricca, B. P. (2023). Targeting social connection in the context of trauma: Functional outcomes and mechanisms of change. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 28, 300–309.
- Smith, A. J., Weisenbach, S. L., & Jones, R. T. (2018). Cynicism among veterans who struggle to adapt to life after combat: Towards an understanding of adaptive functions and maladaptive consequences. Traumatology, 24(1), 17.
- Sippel, L. M., et al. (2024). Sources of social support and trauma recovery: Evidence for bidirectional associations. Behavioral Sciences, 14, 284.
- Solomon, Z., Bensimon, M., Greene, T., Horesh, D., & Ein-Dor, T. (2015). Loneliness trajectories: The role of posttraumatic symptoms and social support. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 20, 1–21.
- Swerdlow, B. A., et al. (2023). The impact of trauma-focused psychotherapy for posttraumatic stress disorder on interpersonal functioning. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 36, 496–510.
- Wilson, G., Hill, M., & Kiernan, M. D. (2018). Loneliness and social isolation of military veterans: A systematic narrative review. Occupational Medicine, 68(9), 600–609.